relax. relate. release.

“i don’t care about what you are. i care about what you did”

2010-08-22T03:51:00.003-04:00

once you read this you’ll probably figure out what sparked it.

let’s start with simple and subtle incidents.

i used to work in the campus store at my university (unc-chapel hill). i often would get the ‘do you go here’ question by customers young and old, which i let slide since i didn’t want to “be so sensitive” however, one day a likable enough (ha) lady came up and struck a conversation with me. then she said, “oh do you go to [north carolina] central?” if anyone isn’t from nc, central is the local hbcu that’s 20 minutes away. now…what sense would it make for to drive all the way to ANOTHER university to work?
if somebody asks where i’m from, and i tell them. i get “oh did you go to hillside? (the worst performing school in the city)” nope, i went to the n.c. school of science and math. google it bitch, we have a wikipedia page. why would you assume i went to hillside?
one day one of the black frats was stepping in the pit (a place in the middle of campus where many groups pub and do little performances). a lady asked, “oh are they visiting from another campus?”

and this is stuff i just thought of in the last 2 minutes off the top of my head. i haven’t mentioned the race of these people. but i’m sure it’s pretty obvious. these people in their hearts of course would never believe that they’re racist. when you call them on it they get angry or call you sensitive or cry or some other diversionary bullshit other than confronting themselves and critically thinking about why they said or did these things.

we’re not going to get into the blatant stuff.

watch the vid and peep game from my 2nd favorite biracial man, jay smooth.

there’s more to acting racist than just calling people nigger. it’s usually that little thing called dismissing the feelings and input of a specific group or people. or better yet, not seeing an individual but seeing a [insert race] person. (fine example: laura ingraham’s simple ass writing in her trash book “the obama diaries” that michelle obama would eat ribs all day. the same michelle obama who makes a point to work out on a regular basis and sponsors a healthy eating initiative. she didn’t see michelle obama. she saw a black person. and you know how those negros love their pork!) and while you may not BE a racist (at least in your own eyes)…some of ya’ll do and say some racist ass shit. and after a while the little slights start to add up. so excuse the hell out of some of us for being “hypersensitive”

geez louise i just wrote my first real blog entry in literally months. i’m rusty.…somehow i think i just became apathetic about life. i’m working on it. i originally wrote this for my tumblr but i decided to post it here first since i seemed to have gained a few new followers even though i haven't updated in a while.

lucyyyyyy, i'm hoooooooooome.

i'm not dead.

2010-06-04T17:45:00.002-04:00

i log into blogger everyday to read my subscriptions.
i just don't post.

i am here though.
and i'm still not abandoning this blog completely yet

twitter.com/pbelonious
justcallmepb.tumblr.com

boom.

5 thoughts that occured within a 15 minute span since i've officially a week-old college graduate

2010-05-17T14:37:00.004-04:00

1) first thought: WHAT? YOU MUST BE MISTAKEN SIR. I JUST ENROLLED IN THIS FINE UNIVERSITY A FEW MONTHS AGO. WHAT? SPEND $50 ON THIS GOWN? I'M SORRY BUT YOU MUST BE MISTAKEN.

2) so this is it? i'm supposed to just go to a job and then go home and do...what? there is no easily accessible pool of like-minded peers? no wonder people have children...passes the time til death i guess.

3)speaking of having children, how do you people find dates in the real world? since we all know that men are little bitches these days and don't actually approach women they fancy in public unless they're hood [obamas]. friend hookups? my current friends have horrible taste in men, i guess i could make some work ones, IF I HAD A JOB. at work? what if i work with a bunch of old or lame people. eharmony/match/plentyoffish it is...

4)i got rejected from the first program (not a grad program, not interested in grad school for at least a 2 years) i applied to. working on my backup...still trying for a summer retail job and none of those mofos want to hire me.

5)seriously, can somebody give a sister a job? i'll do anything but strip and hooker...at this current moment.

bonus and completely unrelated to graduation

quadron quadron quadron! she sounds even better in english!

i haven't updated in a long time...

2010-05-12T10:28:00.007-04:00

so here are some pictures...
i'll throw some words up soon

lyrics to go IX

2010-04-21T20:38:00.004-04:00

we left on a note, that no one's singing
better off alone
make no excuses, a major escape
no explanation, i dare you

out of my bed
and off down the stairs
the back of your head was a clear view

four floors apart
(but we just keep missing)
two worlds in half
(and i'm still wishing)
four floors apart
and i'm still wishing
to see your face again

wonder just what i'd say...

that wince.

2010-03-25T14:55:00.002-04:00

*disclaimer, if you've read this blog before you know that i basically write in the order that i think. if my grammar/syntax bothers you...meh*

i've been inundated with articles and opinion pieces about how black women are single and lonely and white women are taking all the good black men (i'm not here to argue for or against that aspect...i don't care.)
basically the popular line is that ALL black women despise black men dating white women (they don't) and everybody who's not a black woman basically thinks that black women are bitter biddies and need to get over it and try to find a white man.
essence seems to do a piece on it every month as of late, even jill scott got in on the action. to the point that it's just ENOUGH. can we just talk about puppies for 3 months?

btw did you know how hard it was to find a pic of black men/white women that WASN'T porn or heidi klum & seal...smh.

however, it bothers me when people act like black women are crazy for having these sentiments. a (white) friend of mine, read the jill scott piece and said, "i thought she would know better" i didn't say anything because i wasn't in the mood, but i don't think people try to understand where some women are coming from when they have these feelings.
i did have a friend who got spitting mad whenever she saw a black dude with a white girl...she was crazy. but, jill scott's article on the 'wince' that some black women have is completely justifiable. i can't say i haven't 'winced' when i see an attractive black dude with an obviously less than attractive white woman.
i have said this before, i don't care about the preferences of people i'm not attracted to. if a lame black dude loves white women, i give him a standing ovation, because i don't have to worry about him ever considering darkening my doorstep...i'm just difficult like that.

for the record, i'm not one of those women who thinks that black men are sellouts or anything of that nature when they date non-black women. i'm open to dating men of all races, however, i understand where some black women are coming from when they express these feelings.

journalist toure tweeted a few weeks back "to black people that have a problem w/ black men and white women, does it give you pause to know that the klan agrees w/ you" or something to that effect...

i hate when people are so smart they think everything they say is deep. that statement could be deep if you were completely ignorant of everything ever. to me that's basically saying, you don't like some of obama's policies, does it give you pause that bin laden doesn't either?

one, the klan's disgust for interracial marriage comes from a place of hate and the belief that blacks can not be equal to whites and that any white person that "lowers" themselves to be with a black become less of a person as well.
whereas, the problem that some black women have with interracial marriage comes from a place of hurt and disappointment. to some women it even stems from an inferiority complex as opposed to the superiority one that goes along with klan thinking.

also, miss me again with that klan bullshit. PLENTY of normal white people would have a problem or even just a little hesitation with their family members bringing home a black person...including your liberal friends, and it has little to do with hurt or disappointment that they may not find white people attractive. what about the children, my ass.

honestly many black women are subliminally or overtly told daily by society and even their family/friends/acquaintances that they're not pretty enough/not light enough/their nose or lips are too big/their hair's too nappy and they need to do something with it/they're too curvy (some of us black women ARE too damn big...but that's not what i'm referring to right now).

artist carrie mae weems did a piece that had a black woman looking into a mirror and the caption says
mirror mirror on the wall
who's the finest of them all?
the mirror answered: snow white, you black bitch.
and don't you forget it!!!

that's not what's said literally (at least i hope not to some people) but that's the message that many young black girls get...especially if they don't look like *insertsexyblackcelebritythatsnotbeyoncehere*
and it's cute and all if you pop up and say 'i don't care what people think of me' but most people care what some people think of them to some degree.
however if a non-black woman has "black" features (big ass, lips) she's the second coming of jesus for some folks.

now...let's put all that together. some women may feel that mainstream society doesn't value them as beautiful. so they assume that at least men that look like them would find them beautiful and attractive. [but sometimes that's not even the case if you don't look like the ideal. i can't count how many times i've heard ig'nant ass negroes say they prefer light skinned girls. i'd buy the "it's just a preference" bit if it wasn't an overwhelming amount of dudes that say that. add in being told that natural hair is not attractive from dudes who have the same damn hair] also add in constantly being smacked upside the head by the media that black women outnumber black men and most of those negroes are in jail or gay anyway.

then picture this girl seeing a black dude with a white chick.

we KNOW that you can't help who you fall in love with, we KNOW (well some of us...) that just because a black dude dates a white girl doesn't mean that he hates himself and all black people. we KNOW all this shit...but still sometimes you gotta wince.

i'm not saying it's right or wrong...but i understand.

lyrics to go VIII

2010-03-20T02:24:00.004-04:00

oh yes, i'm the great pretender
pretending that i'm doing well
my need is such i pretend too much
i'm lonely but no one can tell

oh yes, i'm the great pretender
adrift in a world of my own
i play the game but to my real shame
you left me to dream all alone

three random personal hair musings

2010-03-14T21:41:00.006-04:00

*yes guy subscribers it's a hair blog...feel free to ignore*

1) i have no hair styling skills whatsoever.
every time i've tried any style other than 2-strand twists or single braids...it has ended in complete disaster. i TRIED to do flat twists last week...however this was on hair that had already been stretched with a braid out.
i should have known it wasn't going to come out right, my twists looked nothing like the nice lady in the youtube vid's...but i just shrugged and put on a scarf and went to bed.
the result?
the front of my head looked like it had been pressed, then i went to the sweatiest raunchiest club and sweated it out grinding on strangers. not cute.

stick to what you know.

2) just because a product is expensive doesn't mean it's good.

this should go without saying but sometimes people forget it.
i...um...liberated a 2 oz. travel bottle of bumble & bumble's creme de coco moisturizing conditioner from walmart the other day. [THAT SHIT WAS $8. FOR 2 OZ! and it's like $25 for 8 oz. i would like to meet the woman who can afford that shit...then i would slap her and tell her to donate it to chile and haiti and buy some herbal essences] i wanted to see if the product warranted the outrageous price

well i tried it and it was HORRIBLE. my hair was just as dry...i might as well have just shampoo'ed it and air-dried it. and i used it, adding coconut oil and deep conditioning for 2 hrs. smh. glad i didn't pay for it...ahem i mean...that i liberated it.

3) although i love henna, i have to give it a rest for a while.

at first i didn't believe the curl-loosening effects of henna since i've used it forever, but now it's become ridiculously apparent. while it is a good strengthener it DOES loosen the curl, but only the hair that was already more loosely curled in the first place.
my loosest hair is at the front of my head, it was already 3c, and with continued henna use it's making it start to wander into 3b territory. now this wouldn't be completely horrible if that 3c hair wasn't smack dab next to the 4a hair on my temples. any loosening effects on the 4a portions of my hair have been little to none. you can probably imagine how ridiculous that looks...if not here's a picture

i make the loveliest faces, i know.

why can't we all just be bald?

dear barack h. obama

2010-02-19T14:10:00.000-05:00

look.
i love you man.
i voted for you.
you were a historic president and all that jazz.
you're the first good-looking [in my correct opinion] president and you're cool as shit.
fuck what them hating ass tea-baggers say. you are fine by me.

but get your shit together please.
please stop pussyfooting around the place trying to make everybody happy.
i understand that you like to think things through before you do them, people don't know what to do with that after 8 years of curious george.
i'm not getting into specific policy cuz i got other shit to do...but you know what i'm talking about.

clearly republicans are on some other shit and not in the mood to help govern their country for the next 2 years. fuck them.
they want to cry and complain about taxes and socialism and a bunch of bullshit.
to be honest...you haven't changed much of anything since bush (they played some factor in this blocking and making noise when you attempt to do anything, the other part...idk what the hell you're doing/trying to do)
them complaining about you being a radical socialist communist marxist nazi is just a bunch of bullshit. SOME of these people just want to call you a uppity ass nigger and can't do so, so they just vent their disrespect in other ways.

they had dems shook in the bush years...and they have you shook now.
democratic president. democratic majority in the congress...yet you're bowing to republican demands and desires.
in the words of whatever ig'nant ass rapper said this, i have no idea...where they do that at?

[SN: i googled it and several artists came up including the name ballgreezy....
...
...
i can't.]

take a cue from the republicans and grow some balls.
when republicans were in power...THEY DID WHAT THE FUCK THE WANTED.
even when people didn't like it.
the said fuck privacy, fuck the environment, fuck the economy. fuck the soldiers' wellbeing.
and called anybody that disagreed with them unamerican/unpatriotic
i'm not saying go to that extreme

but you're just trying to pass some universal healthcare...at the most meager of levels. i understand the baby steps approach. i know we can't go for the whole enchilada the first time around, people have to get acclimated and realize they like it before you can take it further. but push that shit through! and not EVERYTHING has to be televised...people obviously can't handle actually watching how laws get enacted in this country. they realize how selfish individual politicians are. everybody hates politicians but loves their own...americans don't make sense.

i KNOW you're stressed. hell if it were me i would have been chucked the deuce and quit this bitch. some new tragic shit happens literally every month on your ass that you have to deal with that distracts you from all the old shit you were dealing with before. the american people aren't helping. they don't know what the hell they want. they want to stop spending and make new jobs at the same time. make government smaller, yet have their problems fixed first. i'm not saying ignore them...but ignore them. most of them are stupid and drunk off high fructose corn syrup anyway...and i honestly believe that your heart is in the right place and you're trying to make at least a little improvement in your term

but you asked for this, so you need to get on your fucking job so i can have some good stories to tell my nonexistent future kids about how you kicked ass and said fuck your name instead of just being black and a president.

p.s. michelle? you're perfect. don't change a thing.

in re-reading this...i curse too much.
i save my eloquent and extensive vocabulary for school and white people.
but this is how i talk in my head...and this is how my letter is written.

lyrics to go VII

2010-02-19T02:15:00.002-05:00

i don't have any friends at all
cuz i have nothing in common with ya'll
so who's gonna catch me if i fall
my back's always against the wall
i don't have anything to say
i want everything to go my way
shut up mom! It is not okay
i'm alone almost every day

but it's cool
it could be better
i don't care
whatever

blah...this is how i fucking feel right now.
i fulfill my school and work obligations and go home and get under a blanket.
being a hermit is great.
being a hermit sucks.
argharghargh.

seriously random babbling

2010-02-15T05:00:00.002-05:00

1. the problem with blogging. i like blogging my thoughts and what not...but then when i'm made aware that people actually read what i say i tend to retreat from saying anything because i feel like i sound stupid and don't publish anything. most of time when i blog it's very tongue-in-cheek/sarcastic and sometimes i don't feel that comes across well without the assistance of voice and someone reading might think i'm either kinda stupid or a super asshole. i am an asshole...but a nice one.
i don't seem to update as often because i'll start writing something and just save the draft, and in my silly head i blogged something. working on it...so here's me basically sounding stupid at 4 am.

dos.
i honestly wish i had majored in photojournalism. that way i could have access to amazing ass cameras and accessories and classes. i randomly get concepts for photo-essays but have no way to actually bring them into fruition.

4. i'm trying really hard to go back to pesco-vegetarianism. modern meat is just really gross when you actually know what exactly they do to it. i was just ignoring it. but 'it tastes good' sounds silly when you're eating that genetic freak artificially inseminated turkey sandwich or diseased corn-fed beef. if food was reared the natural way i'd be saying 'where's the beef?' but now...nah son

trois.
movies kinda suck lately...like aren't directors tired of making/actors tired of acting in different incarnations of the same damn story? i.e. the blind side, any black "first" movie, any buddy cop movie that has the black guy acting a fool and the stuffy white guy *looking at you bruce willis, tracey morgan is certifiably crazy but really bruce?* and coughavatarcough

b.
i really dislike valentine's day. people are like *oh it's a day to love yourself, it doesn't have to be romantic love, it's a celebration of all love* ...those people are dirty liars. being single is not that bad until you're reminded of it by people and their stupid ass love. yeah it's a commercialized holiday but so is christmas and you don't see everybody and their bitter ass cousin ray-ray hating on it. everybody deep down, no matter how much they lie, would not mind someone making them feel extra-special on a pre-designated day so that they can look forward to it. it doesn't have to include stupid ass teddy bears and cards, but something planned that makes you feel all fuzzy and sappy

c.
facebook ruins crushes. you meet someone cute, add them on facebook. read their interests and realize they have horrible taste in everything. crush over. like seriously, if you openly admit that 'i don't read'...stop breathing.

insert number.
i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired of hearing about black women and their black man shortage. honestly i don't really care. i wasn't really banking on ending up with a black dude being a colleged educated black woman where we outnumber black men enough, heaven forbid if i go to grad school. what pisses me off is all these "black relationship gurus" seem to act like us negresses are asking for too much for wanting to be with someone in the same intellectual sphere that we're in.

black dudes don't seem to like me much anyway.
-i don't like dudes that cite lil wayne as their favorite rapper
-i dislike the use of the phrase 'grown & sexy' which seems to be the name of the gatherings where all these "desirable" black men congregate
-i have low tolerance for misogyny and shenanigans
-i've been told that i have a dominant personality? i don't believe it but whatevs
-i'm a little strange
-and on top of that i have natural hair (argue your personal anecdotal evidence if you like, but in my personal anecdotal evidence most black dudes (like >50% but <90%) prefer girls with straight hair or actively dislike natural hair unless it's the loosely curled "mixed girl hair" *of course that's in quotes because plenty of directly mixed girls have super kinky hair while some black girls don't*)

that eliminates like...80% of black dudes and probably the majority of dudes of other races too.
this is why i'm getting a dog.
i'm being hyperbolic...slightly

why am i single? why don't guys seem to like me? i'm no beyonce (HA) but i damn sure ain't the ugliest thing for a 10 mile radius. i'm cute! i'm smart! i'm funny! i'm witty! i read books! i can cook! i have big boobs! i'm not clingy! i use exclamation points in an exagerrated fashion! banana!

and that ladies & gents, is the making of my eharmony profile.
ha.

and now i shall pretend to sleep before class @ 10 am knowing that i have accomplished at least one thing today. next time will be much less scattered.

i hate februarys

2010-02-02T13:59:00.003-05:00

Fevrale dostat chernil i plakat,
Pisat O Fevrale navsnryd,
Poka grohochushaya slyakot
Vesnoyu charnoyu gorit.

[February. get ink, shed tears.
write of it, sob your heart out, sing.
while torrential slush that roars,
burns in the blackness of the spring.]

februarys suck.
-it's usually the coldest and darkest month of the year.
-valentine's day. *being perpetually single is fine until you get smacked upside the head with happy couples*
-and i have to hear about martin luther the king and all of the same black people we have been taught about since 2nd grade while not teaching children comprehensive black history or having a real conversation about race and why black history month is necessary. is it? who knows? i'm sleepy.

i haven't abandoned this blog yet. promise i'll update sooner than later.

varios fotos

2010-01-17T22:25:00.002-05:00

my ipod is lucky i made it cute or else i would throw it against a wall.
zune>ipod.
the end.

i don't even put pics on flickr or facebook anymore...i just let them sit on my hard drive solely for my personal enjoyment...that's what i got a camera for anyway, i'm selfish like that.

lyrics to go VI

2010-01-12T02:30:00.003-05:00

i fool me once again
so i pull out my favorite pen, i turn another page
it seems i'm getting older but i barely know my age
maybe i'm just a figment of imaginary blame

i fool me once again
is it all in my head?
there i was so ill-adjusted on the wrong side of the bed
is there something you can tell me? cuz i'm really feeling low
i swore i knew the way
thought i knew just where to go
thought i had something to say
what do i know?

i thought i knew what to say
hey, what do i know?
i thought i knew where to go
oh, what do i know?
i thought i knew what to say
hey, what do i know?
i thought i knew what to say, i knew where to go
what do i know?

is it nothing but a game?
if it is where are the rules?
cuz i'm not sure just how to play
well i watch it although passing by, just blowing in the wind
like everything, i thought i knew before
i guess i'll just pretend
be like everybody else
damn, i barely know my name
there i was so ill-adjusted unaware of why i came
when they lock me in the looney bin, i'll tell them where to go
maybe this will be the curtain call for all the status quo
what do i know?

i don't know what to say
hey, what do i know?
i don't know where to go
oh, what do i know?

....and all that you know goes right out the window

this song basically sums up my current mood for the past month.
i LIVE for j*davey.

bag lady.

2009-12-28T18:47:00.004-05:00

random.

i decided to clean out my bag today after being picked on all the time since everyone says it looks like a diaper bag and not being able to find anything in the abyss. it's a computer bag which i got because the straps kept breaking on all the cute purses i had from all my shit. i'm buying a new asap.

contents include but not limited to

-camera
-3 books (the brief wondrous life of oscar wao and drown by junot diaz & the autograph man by zadie smith)
-2 cds (j.cole and lupe fiasco mixtape)
-box of crayons
-5 1/2 candy canes
-a bag (yes, a bag) of lotion...i don't even remember why that's in there
-3 different types of hand lotion
-2 pairs of earrings
-scotch tape (no idea why that's in there)
-deodorant
-3 tubes of mascara
-half used bottled of carols daughter hair milk that i kept trying to make work since i paid for it...hated it
-raisins

note how neither my keys, wallet, nor cell phone is in there?

i need to organize my life and minimize my space.

i feel like my bag is just indicative of other things i need to organize and get together

gah.

year one.

2009-12-24T08:21:00.001-05:00

*warning...long post*

so...it's been about one year since the last relaxer and i kinda love it.

even in high school i thought about stopping perms, but i was so attached to my long straight hair. then when i got to college and got it cut off freshman year due to dead ends and unevenness, i thought even harder about it. when it started to get thin and contrary during the first semester of my junior year that was it for me.

i have infinitely less bad hair days. i used to feel like my hair was so thin and i hated stick-y ponytails. [we've all seen the hot mess stick-y ponytail...when the head might move but the hair doesn't and it sticks straight out looking a dreadful mess]
now even if my hair is extra frizzy and kinky, i can just make it bigger and put on a headband and it looks like i did it on purpose.

what do i with it? i'm glad you asked.

1) i don't put heat on my hair. at all. i don't even own a blowdryer or flat iron. [good thing since my janky ass apt doesnt have outlets in the fucking bathrooms]

2) i henna it once a month. i've been henna-ing my hair since sophomore year when i was still relaxed...i really like the conditioning treatment it gives my hair and the slight reddish tinge.
(TRY IT)

3) i have a satin pillowcase & comforter because i'm too lazy to put on a bonnet or whatever so i just hop in the bed at night after dabbing a little moisturizer and un-smush in the morning if necessary.

i'm still an oyinhandmade addict. [they make awesome youtube vids too, here's another that shows you their process. how can you not love a business like that?] i'm probably one of their most loyal customers since i end up ordering something from them every month. the only time i've strayed is with qhemetbiologics amla and olive heavy cream [pretty good product, it's always out of stock though] or one time with carols daughter when i ran out of oyin and needed something to hold me over...i HATE carols daughter but i digress. i recommend...everything oyin makes. [except my beloved honeyhemp conditioner and juices&berries aren't good for the cold winter...but every other season = holy grail]

i shampoo when necessary with dr. bronners castile soap or baking soda. mostly cowash with herbal essences hello hydration and sometimes leave-in with aubrey organics honeysuckle rose conditioner.
my hair is pickypickypicky. if cheap drugstore shit worked on it, i'd use it...but even my hair is bourgie. most cheap stuff leaves it dry or greasy/sticky...no bueno. i've tried making my own stuff but it's hit and [extreme] miss, so i just buy other folks' stuff.

pictorial recap? i'm glad you asked that too.

long hair in 06/07. i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss it...it'll be back soon enough.

thin w/scraggly ends in 08

[may] 5 months of transitioning, one night i just got irritated at the two textures and went to town in the bathroom. this is the day after i bc'd...kinda. note the permed ends still there

[june] ends still there. no idea why i was clinging on to hair i had to cut anyway.

[august] ends gone. have yet to learn the art of twisting/stretching my hair

[september] still haven't mastered twisting. my aforementioned texture differences are kinda noticeable here]

[november] started wearing twists out of the house. ignore my facial expression, i dont know any better

[mid-november] this is my version of a bad hair day now. it's disobedient, i put on a headband and ignore it

[december] twist-out mastered!

gratuitous. i took this last sunday cuz i thought i looked cute.

my hair stretched reaches my shoulders in a layered fashion.
i don't know if that's shorter or faster growth than normal.
so far i think this thing on my head is awesome. i have a lot more styling options and it grows so much faster. i've even inspired one of my best friends to consider it. [i doubt she'll actually go through, but it's a start] i love whenever i see a kinky comrade we always end up talking about hair and exchanging compliments and tips.

it's christmas eve and i'm out of juice...i've been tweaking this post for like a week. most people probably won't read this until i post again anyway since everybody's doing december things.

blahblahblah.
natural hair ftw.

been on repeat all day...

2009-12-21T23:47:00.004-05:00

vanity.

2009-12-20T03:01:00.008-05:00

self-portraiture on a bored sleepless tuesday morning.
my face in all it's un-made up glory.

gratuitous hair blog coming up soon?
most likely.

dear blu.

2009-12-15T04:55:00.006-05:00

dear blu.
aka johnson barnes
can i call you john?
i love that your last name is barnes so that when i marry you in my dreams i don't actually have to change my last name.
frankly.
i love you.
you made me care about hip hop again.
(and you're cute and super-tall and witty but that's neither here, there, nor anywhere)
i even own a shirt with your face on it.
i don't do that often.
you release pure and utter gold

and then you fade to black.
doing a feature here and there is unacceptable
please stop playing with my emotions.

it was so nice of you to perform in raleigh on my 20th birthday this year.
please release another album by my 21st.
that would be grand.

thanks in advance.

lyrics to go V

2009-12-11T16:30:00.001-05:00

Herfra hvor vi står,
kan vi se os omkring - til alle sider
Det bevæger sig når vi går
det forandrer sig i alle tider.

Vi har talt sammen næsten hele natten
og her der er vi så gået i stå.
Rundt om ligger folk og sover
jeg ved ikke rigtigt, hvorhen vi skal gå.

i've had this song on repeat for the past 2 days because for some odd reason it calms me...
then i googled the lyrics translation

From where we stand,
we see around us - on all sides
It moves when we go
it is changing at all times.

We talked almost all night
and here are we so stalled.
Around people are asleep
I do not really know where we should go.

...interesting

swimming

2009-12-02T01:01:00.001-05:00

if you've read my blog before and you don't rock with little dragon by now, FAIL.

disjointed rant

2009-12-01T22:55:00.000-05:00

*feel free to ignore this*

i haven't blogged in a while because i've simply lacked motivation to talk about anything...anything that does interest me has been overblogged and done to the point that anything i would write would just be unnecessary assholish fluff

i have no motivation...i average about 4 hrs of sleep a night doing absolutely nothing...
i envy those who know what they want to do after graduation since they have a goal to work towards...i honestly have absolutely no clue...so it's just like wtf am i doing this for? but then again most of those things that people know they are doing are things i have no interest in (law school, med school, teach for awhile)
they (who the fuck are they?) say that college is the best years of your life before you have real responsibilities...if these are the best years, i am fucked.

everything and everyone bores me.
everybody with their preening, and posing, and look-at-me-ness...it's sensory overload. and i'm a hypocrite! what am i doing now? talking about me me me.

i need minimalism...maybe i'll pull a janelle monae and only wear black and white and let my mind be the color

blah i'm just sick of everything
sick of school...i have b's in all my classes, this does not make me happy or sad...i don't care.
sick of work
sick of my face
but not sick of my hair...though i am sick of talking about it
sick of being ignored
sick of being seen
sick of halfass awards shows
sick of name brand clothes
sick of r&b bitches over bullshit tracks

i'm not even making sense anymore...
maybe i just need sleep.

doodles...

2009-11-16T03:05:00.001-05:00

i get bored in class. i doodle.
i get bored at home. i take pictures of it.
i get more bored. i post them on blogger.
boom.

say crack one more time - © mean girls
just seeing the word crack in big letters in my notebook makes me giggle a bit.

lyrics to go IV

2009-11-08T18:49:00.004-05:00

when i saw you last night
i wanted to say
run away with me
away from these cynics
this could be the start of
something truly real
but all that i could say
was hey
was hey
was hey
was hey

my mercury's in retrogade.

my retarded hair.

2009-11-02T00:24:00.000-05:00

*procrastinationatory babble*

i know i'm not the only kinky headed gal who has this problem, but it's almost comical how different my hair textures are. i literally can't rock a wash&go because i tend to look ridiculous.

here are pics i took the other day freshly washed and squeeze dried with a tshirt with no added hair products.
my hair is pretty much the same length all over but my sides shrink a lot more than what i like to call the mohawk area (the loose texture goes straight back like a mohawk)

you can literally see the point where my hair changes its mind on what it wants to be lol.

my front middle flops onto my forehead and i have to push it back up so that it won't look weird compared to the sides *ignore my makeupless acne'd untamed eyebrowed face, however note the displeasure*

my mohawk area, for the most part, acts right regardless of what i do to it and is obviously a lot looser. my kinky sides...they do not care whatsoever what i desire or what i think about them. i guess i can respect that. they laugh hysterically at any moisturizer i put on them, swallow it in one gulp and look at me expectantly for more. the back of the sides have almost no definition when dry while the back of the middle is springy curls...it looks crazy.

top 'o my head

back 'o my head.

after these were taken i promptly twisted my hair since twists make my hair pretend like it's one cohesive texture.

does anyone else have this problem? what do you do? i hate looking like i got a texturizer just in the middle of my head...i'm considering putting one on my sides, but i feel that it could go horribly awry...

▲❍▼❏

2009-10-09T23:56:00.000-04:00

blahh...i've been bogged down with schoolwork and life bs.

here are some pictures sans photoshop. my hard drive was wiped so i'm photoshopless and am stuck using only picasa.

love is real vols 1-4 are...well...love.

ughh still?

2009-09-23T01:12:00.000-04:00

i was talking to one of my old friends from high school, somehow the conversation turned to hair and i casually mentioned that she would look cute with a fro.

"i'm too dark for that"

ughhhhhhhhhh.

mind you my friend is gorgeous. perfect figure, perfect clear skin, perfect white teeth which subsequently leads to a perfect smile and she has great fashion sense. yet somehow she still has jacked up color and hair issues which i have long given up on fixing

when we were in high school and i had long hair, she would always offhandedly remark on how since i'm lightskinned [that's subjective, i don't think i am] and had long hair that life was easier for me and i shouldn't complain about anything ever. and she also told me that i could do that "natural shit" because i'm light and cute and have "good" hair [i don't, lol] mind you, this girl shits on me, in my opinion, in all areas of physical attractiveness, but she never believes me when i tell her this.

but then again i don't live her life, so i can't speak for what she goes through

when i gave my subsequent silly not serious/but serious response and then asked 'how are you too dark for the hair that grows out of your head'
she replied, life isn't fair/doesn't make sense, but it is what it is.

i refuse to believe that.

i feel like the majority of people that have a problem with natural hair are other black people. white people fucking love my hair. i'm sure that is partly due to it being "different". but the most compliments and encouragement i ever got to go natural and after i did so (other than from other naturals) was from non-black people. just the other day an indian girl (the people that be-weaved dreams are literally made of) stopped me to tell me how pretty my hair was.

once again, how can one be too anything for something that naturally occurs on their bodies. that's like saying i'm too short for this nose. it makes no sense.
now if she just said that she preferred to have straightened hair i wouldn't have cared since i'm not a "natural nazi" (i hate the casual use of the word nazi) and i think you should do whatever with your hair that makes you happy. but assuming that you would be ugly with it because of your skin? i guess that goes back to the posts on the hair blogs about how some think only "pretty" girls can be natural. i think my friend is gorgeous, but maybe she doesn't think so...

blah. maybe i'm reading too much into it. maybe it's the same as not wanting to be without bangs because you have a big ass forehead. i don't think it is though...

lyrics to go III

2009-09-22T14:15:00.003-04:00

now i know it seems so hard to understand me
but get used to it...

living easy takes a lot of time
maybe more, we'll see
cards are dealt
what you're left with
might not be for me
what's given is what's asked for
i'm in need of...i'm in need of...in need of

if i were stinking rich, i'd pay muhsinah to sing me to sleep 3x a week. real talk.

keep me near the cross.

2009-09-17T17:18:00.003-04:00

*if you're following me on twitter you might have an idea of where this is coming from*

insert shameless plug --> twitter.com/PBelonious

now i'm not the praying type. or even religious, but i'm going to need some heavenly assistance if my days are going to continue like this.

i started working in a nursing home today for a class that i'm taking. i don't really care to work with the elderly because they just remind me of how i will be wrinkly and funny looking in about 50 years and i really don't like to think about such things. but the class sounded interesting and i'd at least get some volunteer hours that would look good on a social work grad school application.

this is a pretty upscale retirement facility and about 95% of the residents there are white. slightly more than half of the staff that work there are not white. i know they are from another time but shit but well...

today i attended the singalong with about 20 residents. at first it was benign shit like, "i bet you're quite the singer"

*side eye*

but then once they get into the songbook, not one but two songs included the word darkie.

-_-

...

-_-

really.

that was fun. me being the only such darkie in the room. in 2000 fucking 9.

i was there with another volunteer who was hispanic. some old lady kept coughing up a storm. i initially offered her a glass of water and she declined. still coughing the hispanic girl offered her some which she declined as well. she then promptly got up to get her own. o rly?
when she got up to leave somebody took her seat and songbook so when she came back the only place left to sit was beside me. i offered to share my songbook which of course she declined. but was quick to take one from my supervisor.

sigh.

sidenote: that's being black in america for that ass. having to just swallow random insults like that and still smile so you don't scare old white ladies.

once again, a good portion of the employees are not white. how the hell does she get by?

an employee who looked about old enough to be living there randomly came up to me and was asking me general background questions and started to tell me how she came into the field of working with the elderly. and she said that yes it's depressing working with the elderly because they're going to die, but it's all worth it if they can be happy in their last years on earth.

what. ever.

i can do bad sitting in my house with my money in my wallet.

2009-09-14T14:00:00.001-04:00

i have ranted about tyler perry many a time before.

i don't think this dude even TRIES.
his movies are exactly the same and big name black actors sign up because they know it's a guaranteed check.

i haven't seen his new movie and don't plan on it. but i bet i know what it entails...

troubled black woman needs help finding her way in life.
madea shows up at random ass times for comic relief.
black woman goes through some sort of adversity with an unsavory character.
she finds her good black man [usually blue collar, the rich black men are always the bad guys, unless they are played by tyler perry himself]who shows her how to love and not be an asshole.
they go to church at some point.
somebody is on drugs and/or was molested as a child.
they dance in a club/cookout/in the middle of the street.
and all the men happen to be fine.

let's google and see if i'm right.

my bad. i was wrong.
tyler perry has evolved as a director.

black woman finds her good hispanic man. not black.
i apologize.

sidenote: if tyler perry can't do anything in this world, he can cast some fine ass men. i need to put csi: miami on my watch list... adam rodriguez plays a mexican in this movie and he is clearly puerto rican. but you know all those hispanohablantes are mexican anyway...

anywho...seeing that tyler perry has this inexplicable drawing power and influence in hollywood, why not use it? take a risk and make some art. he'd at least get some butts in the seat opening weekend before the church crowd realizes it's not all about jesus. or at the very least let others use his production studio to make shit that isn't completely predictable and scripted. well, apparently he's bought the rights to 'for colored girls who have considered suicide/when the rainbow is enuf' now i haven't seen the play and i've only glanced at the written choreopoem, but from what i gather, it's a pretty heavy serious piece about black women. i really don't see him doing this justice without it being contrived and...well...bad. but what do i know?

however i see that mary j. blige and gladys knight are singing in this 'i can do bad all by myself'. so if those ladies are your cup of tea, i guess you could accept someone else buying your ticket to see this movie.

i just want him to do better and not do the same movie every 6 months.

however, what i really would like to do is shoot him in the calf for 'meet the browns' the tv show. but i digress...

he's just not that into you

2009-09-12T22:02:00.002-04:00

so i was having a discussion with a friend about how i'm bored and according to her, if i was so bored, i should just ask a guy out.

call me old fashioned, but i seriously believe if a guy really likes a girl he's going to go after her, no matter how shy or timid he may be. and i think a guy going after the girl usually means he's into her more. at the beginning of the relationship, the dude should be more into the girl and it evens out as it progresses. if a girl pursues a guy and he's just kinda feeling her but not really, that usually leads to foolishness like laziness, cheating, and keyed cars.

i also believe that the guy should do the majority of the approaching. that's not to say that i think girls should just sit and wait to get picked. anything from hovering in his vicinity and smiling to starting small talk or just happening to show up wherever he is [sike, that's stalker shit] can let a dude know that 'hey i'm noticing you, and wouldn't mind if you noticed me too!' if he doesn't pick up on it, he's probably a stupid, and nobody wants a stupid.

people say i'm intimidating but i think that's a bunch of horseshit. i'm not intimidatingly gorgeous and i'm not going to emasculate a dude if he hits on me and i don't want him. if a dude respectfully drops hints or outright comes out and says something [rare] and i'm not interested i'll subtly send signals saying so [keeping conversations short but still polite]. but if you come with some foolishness i will try my best to hurt your feelings. i told a guy to kill himself once...i don't feel bad...he was an asshole.

i don't think i could ever get to the point where i would ask a guy out in addition to the aforementioned reason, i'm just fucking awkward. i feel most girls don't really have "game" we just kind of show a little boob and smile and usually that's all we have to do.

eh...i'll just adopt a dog.
i want a cockeyed black pug. i like ugly dogs.

i could never be a writer...i just start typing about guys and end up googling black pugs...

lyrics to go II

2009-09-09T01:18:00.001-04:00

my rhyme ain't good just yet,
my brain and tongue just met,
and they ain't friends, so far,
my words don’t travel far,
they tangle in my hair,
and tend to go nowhere,
they grow right back inside,
right past my brain and eyes
into my stomach juice
where they don’t serve much use,
unhealthy calories,
nutrition values.
and i absorb back in
the words right through my skin
they sit there festering inside my bowels

the consonants and vowels
the consequence of sounds

if i had to go gay for a white woman...it'd be regina spektor.

the magic stick/bored with my hair.

2009-08-14T01:16:00.003-04:00

so i've posted about how my skin pisses me off and have finally found something that is starting to work for me. other than washing my face with whatever is lying around [i refuse to buy any new face wash before i use up what i already have] i've been using this thing[it's $8 @ whole foods and $5 @ trader joe's. whole foods is such a fucking rip off.]

i apply this stuff morning/night and whenever i'm sitting around absentmindedly during the day. my blemishes go down really quickly and my existing marks are starting to fade. plus it's all-natural and all that hippie shit.

i've kind of been ignoring my hair. well, actually i guess you could say that i've been wearing it in a "protective style". i like my hair texture but i feel like it's too short for me to really do anything with so i wash it once a week, twist it with oyinhandmade whipped pudding, pin it up, and wear hats all week [with a scarf underneath and still moisturizing every night] and wear a twist out on weekends. i figured i'm not seeing anyone since school isn't in session and i'm just going to work, it doesn't really matter what my head looks like lol.
i'm sure when school starts i'm going to have to keep it up nicely and actually do something to it until i get braids next month. grrrr.

ennui.

2009-08-09T03:04:00.002-04:00

it seems the more free time i have the less i do. hopefully that means i'll be supremely productive when school starts

random pictures i just took out of boredom:

see how that spot is still there? yeah still haven't gotten that fixed...

i'm actually vaguely busy with taking care of things for my apt and freaking out about how broke i will be because i have to pay for this shit. i don't want to be a senior and graduate and shit. i want to fuck around for at least 3 more years. i'll probably join the circus if my plan a of finding a sugar daddy fails...

i'm kidding.

i'll just be a hobo.

wow.

2009-07-27T15:18:00.006-04:00

i saw this @racialicious.

i mean...i guess.
i don't know how i feel about this commercial

i chuckled then was like...wait...

i don't really take offense to the weave because i've never worn weave before.
did she have to have that attitude?
but you know that's how we act... [sarcasm]

do not watch the orphan.

2009-07-25T15:00:00.006-04:00

if you actually plan on watching that foolishness i guess you shouldn't click on this in your subscriptions things. i was going to tweet this but some people may actually want to watch this...

this may be the most ridiculous premise for a movie i have ever seen in my life. most of the time was spent laughing and sighing at the gotcha! moments in the movie when the music gets all dramatic and you're supposed to expect someone scary to pop out of nowhere. the movie is really long for no apparent reason except to draw out the suspense to what the girl really is.

a woman has a miscarriage and wants to adopt a child to lavish the love she had on the lost child on someone else. so a family adopts a child who is believed to be from russia or whatever. people start getting injured/dying around the child and only the mother is suspicious. the orphan controls her other 2 children through fear and gets the little deaf daughter to help her hide bodies and shit by threatening to kill her.

to make a long story short.
the orphaned girl is really a sex-crazed psychopathic 33 year old dwarf.

i repeat.

a sex-crazed psychopathic 33 year old dwarf.

wtf.

she is a violent psychopath who has escaped from an insane asylum in estonia [she has scars from a straitjacket on her neck and wrists and wears ribbons to cover them up] and her m.o. is that she pretends to be 9 and gets adopted by families. she causes strife in the family to isolate the mothers and then tries to seduce the fathers. when the father refuses to have sex with her (understandably because he thinks that she's 9) she then kills him and the family and burns the house down.

i have many qualms with the ridiculousness of this movie.

#1 why would a woman with 2 kids already feel the need to adopt another older child?

#2 would you really keep a child who refused to show you her neck and wrists?

#3 the woman is a proportional dwarf. meaning that she's just a short woman. in the end you see that she tapes down her curves. why the fuck doesn't she just live as a really short woman? she would probably have a lot more success getting men to fuck her. and nobody noticed her having a period?

#4 [the "creepy" part of the movie is that she is artistically gifted and draws pretty pictures but somehow also paints with paint that only shows in fluorescent lighting which shows that her pretty drawings are actually sinister and evil. she also draws people having sex on her walls with this paint] WHERE THE FUCK DOES SHE GET FLUORESCENT PAINT?

#5 she wears fake teeth to cover up the fact that she has 33 year old, third world dental care teeth. where does she find these things?

#6 nobody in estonia [the asylum looked pretty sophisticated, with enough people that worked there conveniently speaking english] sent out an APB for a super violent dwarf after she escaped?

i mean if you suspend reality this could be a pretty decent comedy. only supreme ineptitude on the part of EVERYONE in the world would result in this actually being possible. what makes movies scary is the fact that what's happening could actually occur. [i.e. the strangers, where people kill you just because they feel like it]

the little girl is a great actress though.

you should watch it on hbo. let my sacrifice of $7.50 keep you from losing time and money too.

the nice guy fallacy.

2009-07-23T10:11:00.000-04:00

am i the only one tired of guys [usually black] believing that because they are in college/grad school/whatever or have a non-minimum wage job they should just be welcomed with ~~legs~~ arms wide open.

you're not special because you aren't a bum. that's what you're SUPPOSED to do.
not working at mcdonalds full-time is great and all, but that doesn't make you the great catch you think you are.

and if [black] women aren't knocking themselves out over these "rare" guys, it apparently means that we only like thugs/bad boys.
just because a woman doesn't want you doesn't mean that she wants the antithesis of you. why don't you exfoliate your face and work on your personality. maybe that's the problem.

or these great "nice" guys tend to only go for the most superficial of qualities and then complain when the woman is boring as shit.

i could give a fuck what you do/have. being a secure person with goals is a GREAT base [that many don't have] but guys need an interesting personality too.

smh.

[what a random poorly thought out rant...i started it a while back when this dude pissed me off and just now felt it apropos to publish lol]

i was coerced.

2009-07-20T03:14:00.005-04:00

http://twitter.com/PBelonious

friend me or whatever the fuck they do so i don't look completely stupid.

lyrics to go.

2009-07-13T11:43:00.007-04:00

every now and then
i get a feeling
like i've left something behind me
but i don't know what it is yet.

like a tied a piece of string
round my finger
and i hope this will remind me
of the places i have been through

when i'm down
down
down

the noisettes are my new obsession.

elaquent

2009-07-06T15:10:00.003-04:00

[it seems like the more free time i have, the less i blog. i have a bunch of half written shit saved...i'll publish them someday lol]

mostly all i listen to is beats and regina spektor as of late

[gotta love the fro on the cover]

this dude is dope. don't remember how i found him [i never do lol]
i just googled him and found the myspace today and am currently downloading the other joints that i don't have.

http://www.myspace.com/elaquenthiphop

free downers = love.

why can't i just sit around all day?

2009-07-03T16:00:00.003-04:00

i work everyday. and take a class which i'm paying for out of pocket

one day off and none of my friends wants to answer their phones/texts

so i put some henna in my hair and just relax.

because my mom and her husband decided that they need to clean the garage i need to be doing something too.

wtf kind of logic is that.

i need to be cleaning my room or washing something...because i slept in and shouldn't sit around.

can i sit around one day?

the only talking my mother and i do is general niceties and her saying "you know what i just realized" which usually leads to something that I need to be doing or working on, never anything that she needs to be doing or even normal conversation. either that or i'm reminded of her bills and how much i owe her to contribute to pay for shit [phone bill/car insurance]

is it august yet?
i need to go get on my grind so i can get a job right out of school and not have to live here anymore.

i hope i never get this bored again...

2009-06-28T23:50:00.005-04:00

i watched the bet awards...why?
i should have done my laundry.

i understand that they had to make it in 3 days...but really?

the most long ass awkward pauses and obvious teleprompter reading. they were never ready for nothing.

jamie foxx performing all willy nilly just to fill space.

sponsored by cititrends? i guess.

ciara should never sing ballads live. ever.

randomly busting out in mj tributes that make no sense.

chaka about to burst with her 5 girdles on.

eddie from the ojay's saying 'shit' on tv

ne-yo should always wear a hat. always. he has a fetus head.

t.i.'s ghetto ass baby mama accepting his award -_-

yvette and jody. -_-

the most anticlimactic final performance. with drake et. al. who sat for most of the performance...wtf. and please explain why you would have dancing children on stage while you perform "i want to fuck every girl in the world"?!?!? aubrey just sitting talking to 12 year olds in tutus. why don't you just go ahead and phone in your performance.

but JANET!!!! she a good one. i couldn't have spoken on stage. too bad her greasy ass daddy ain't shit, sitting in the audience grinning and shit. i hate joe jackson. if it wasn't for him michael wouldn't have been so fucked up.

in other news i should go to a jamie foxx concert...i'll just put on my zune when 'blame it' comes on

LAWD NOT MICHAEL!!!

2009-06-25T21:43:00.002-04:00

man....i wanted to roll on the floor like patti when i found out

but i was at work so it would have been inappropriate.

i have nothing else to say that every fucking body else on the planet hasn't already said.
he WAS the most famous person in the world.

i do know his funeral is going to be a hot mess.
everybody and their auntie is about to be acting a fool.

negros and the tyra show...

2009-06-24T05:01:00.005-04:00

i randomly saw this in my insomnia @ conjuredperceptions
i know you're not going to watch this whole thing unless you're extremely bored like i was...
it's basically women talking about bleaching themselves and THEIR KIDS because ~~they're stupid~~ they feel unattractive with their naturally dark brown skin.

first of all, i really think that tyra just uses her show to work out her own issues. hair issues, skin issues, body issues, vagina issues, she always just ends up talking about herself. i guess it's more lucrative than therapy.

i love when she does 'black girrrl' episodes because she always acts a little different. when she's talking about skin color she looks a little more tan. i lmao'd when i saw the episode about black women's hair because she had the nerve to have her hair in cornrows versus the barbie lacefront wig she usually sports and then is chastising women who are sticklers for relaxed hair. smh.

[just because. i don't feel like talking about negros and their hair. it makes me sleepy.]

anyway. being just regular old black [not dark, not light] i never dealt with stereotypes about that shit. i was always considered one of the 'cute' girls even though i wasn't that light. i guess that had to do with me always having long hair which made up for my "flaw" of being brown. when i was younger i wanted to be light with green eyes but that had more to do with me wanting to look like my favorite aunt than anything else. i guess we could question why i thought that aunt was so pretty opposed to my darker skinned one...
i was taught that pretty is pretty and ugly is ugly. no complexion had a patent on either one...

but then when i overhear little girls sitting in the shade rather than playing outside because "i don't want to get dark. i want to be lightskinned and pretty" and dudes outright stating "i only date lightskinned girls" i'm kind of lost for words. well i do have words for those guys...they're usually inexplicably entitled insecure assholes who i wouldn't want to date anyway

but it's 2009! we really still doing this?
if some people spent the time they use thinking about useless things like skin complexion on something more constructive, the world would be a better place...

girl crush.

2009-06-19T22:53:00.001-04:00

i was reminded today of a while back when one of my coworkers was talking about his man crush. i honestly believe that all people have someone of the same gender that they have a crush on, famous or not. my girl crush happens to be stacey dash

[this also was my favorite song for like...2 years. oh kanye how i miss thee.]

straight people are like...98% straight. my 2% gay is reserved for stacey, k.d. aubert, jessica white, and jack davey. clearly i have a type. interestingly enough, my actual "type" [or so i'm told by my bff, since i don't believe i have one] is tall nappy-headed yellow boys, go fig.

but seriously. this woman is 6 years younger than my mother [43] and she looks like this

she believably played a 16 year old when she was in her 30s! why is she not more famous? how can you have overrated ass halle berry on magazines as the sexiest woman alive when this woman exists? after clueless she has only existed in shitty black movies i.e. nora's hair salon and random ridiculous reality tv [the celebrity circus]

maybe i don't want her as much as i want her genes...

but for the life of me i can't understand how she's related to this

oh genetics.

the beauty created.

2009-06-17T13:37:00.004-04:00

usually i'm a love hater and i get easily annoyed listening to r&b music because it's so fucking cliche and sappy.

but for some odd reason i've been listening to this album today.
his voice reminds me of the moment when you wake up [sans alarm] and the sun is softly shining in the room as you just quietly lay in the bed.

i'll write about something substantive next time...something has def. been grinding my gears lol

maaaaaaajor laaaaaaaazer

2009-06-13T00:45:00.000-04:00

i'm sooo excited for this album to drop since i LOVE diplo

http://www.myspace.com/MAJORLAZER

do yourself a favor and go to their myspace [since imeem SUCKS] and listen to the whole album

i like everything except the nina sky joint, because nina sky sucks eggs.

june 16th!

i gotta wait til the 19th cuz i'm a little broke lol

when i get bored i take pictures of myself/camera problems

2009-06-11T03:39:00.003-04:00

i'm not smiling because 1. i look weird when i smile 2. i was pissed about the stupid black spot

something is wrong with my camera that there is a black spot in all of my photos in the exact same spot. [i photoshopped it out of the pictures, some of them i didn't even bother, kudos to the real photoshoppers out there, that shit is hard especially blending different shades of brown, or maybe i just went the extra difficult route] i'm taking it to the shop when i get some money. hopefully it doesn't mean there's some minuscule hole in my camera that's causing it and is irreparable which will force me to buy a new one rather than save for rent in the fall...which is def. what i would do :-\

what i do when i get home.

2009-06-03T19:45:00.006-04:00

[i know i shouldn't have downloaded this and waited and paid for it like her other shit, but it just fell into my lap and that would have been an impossible thing to try to ignore since i fiend for muhsinah. but gaaaaaahdamn, i will definitely buy it when it drops. it's fucking ridonkulous.]
+

[heard it was good, hope it isn't disappointing]

=

don't call me please.

i love jay smooth

2009-06-01T15:03:00.004-04:00

i was catching up on my youtube subscriptions and saw this video

i want him.
i don't care that he's like...40
prime example of how intelligence is sexxayyy.
i swoon with every vlog he makes.

haaz sleiman

2009-06-01T01:23:00.005-04:00

so i was putting henna in my hair and was bored so i put one of my mom's crappy dvds in to entertain myself (my mom has horrible taste in movies)

the movie happened to be mad money but luckily i just watched the previews and saw this

and it went to "sweet jesus, who is that?!?"

i promptly stopped the abortion of a movie that is mad money and went to go watch 'the visitor' on surfthechannel. not ashamed to say that i watched an oscar nominated movie just to look at that man. i could talk about the movie which is a pretty ok story on immigration in post 9/11 america (his character is syrian) but it is basically the white guy finding himself through his relationship with the brown guy, but that's irrelevant compared to this

too bad he's gay ~ this link to the trailer will probably only interest derek

but one can still look/google stalk

he's going to be on the new series 'nurse jackie' playing a gay muslim nurse...yeah i'm not too interested in that and don't have showtime anyway. i feel like there's too many ways that that could go wrong in execution.

to whomever it may concern that is looking intently at my head.

2009-05-30T01:12:00.005-04:00

#1 [and most importantly] NO YOU CAN'T TOUCH MY HAIR.

*seriously, why does everyone (regardless of the extent of their relationship with me) want to touch my hair? one of my friends (white guy) got upset with me for not letting him touch it. he wanted to because he had never seen hair like mine apparently. i kinda got pissed at him because he said something to the effect of black women won't let people touch their hair but they can touch his. i kindly informed him that that had nothing to do with me since i'm not a proxy for all black women and i'm not all that interested in touching his hair.

i didn't like people touching my hair when it was straight. i don't let my mom touch my hair. if i let you touch my hair: you probably snuck it in without me noticing and i don't want to be a complete bitch, we are good friends, or you have a very good chance of having sex with me*

#2 i am not a lesbian.

#3 i don't write poetry, neo-soul is not my favorite genre of music, and i don't burn incense (i prefer blogs, hip-hop and alternative music, and bourgie ass candles)

#4 [to black people] please stop trying to grade my hair.

apparently my hair has been deemed just barely good by the negro hair council. not nappy per se but not mixed girl curly/straight. it's a c- on the grading scale of goodness. it's just barely acceptable but it needs some tutoring (straightening) for a good grade.

please stop. it's hair.

#5 i'm not a vegetarian/vegan/environmentalist

#6 [to black women]i don't care what you do to your hair. i don't care to convert you to the side of nappyness

#7 while it is sweet, calling me sister/queen/whatever gets annoying. brittney/pb is just fine.

#8 i guess it's nice that you're curious and whatever, but if i hear 'how did you get your hair like that?' one more time... it just what it does!

did i forget anything?

*on the plus side, my mom said my hair was 'kinda cute' the other day which is a big step up from her grimacing and saying 'i have to get used to it'*

just because i almost fell off the bed laughing to this

2009-05-27T22:31:00.003-04:00

twitter.

2009-05-25T12:01:00.000-04:00

PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME!!!

i don't understand.
i've tried
i can't fit my thoughts in 140 characters.

you can't have discussions. there is no room for nuance or interpretation in 140 characters.

and really, when i'm away from a computer, i'm away from the computer. this is why i never got facebook or im mobile. if i wanted to know i'd get on a computer. also if i wanted to know what you were doing at this very instant...i'd ask you.

i guess i understand twitter if you want to stalk your favorite celebs and whatnot. but regular people? i really don't care that you're on your way to bojangles.

maybe it's because twitter isn't for ramblers like me. it's a bunch of facebook statuses/away messages and then talking about them in short sentences. what is the point of that?

blahhhhhhhhh

craze.

2009-05-23T17:18:00.004-04:00

TWA.

2009-05-21T14:09:00.003-04:00

it's gone.

all gone.

i just picked up the scissors and went to town after asking myself why i was holding on to hair that i was just going to cut later anyway.

nikolai is having technical difficulties so the pictures will be a week or so.

that and i don't have a computer at home because my mom said i can't use the home computer because i refused to show her my facebook page. ridiculous? i think so.

whatevs. i'm buying a replacement laptop tomorrow

can't hold me down!

looks.

2009-05-18T15:20:00.002-04:00

so i was talking to one of my friends about guys and blahblahblah. and how it doesn't really matter if he isn't gorgeous if he's a cool ass person.

then i said. "you will never in never neverland hear two men having this conversation. ever."
you will never hear a man say i mean she wasn't that cute, but she was so funny and cool to talk to that i went out with her anyway and she grew on me. i don't really think that men stick around long enough for a woman to grow on them.

and why is that?

i remember one time this stupid couple had a facebook debacle. the girl found out he had been cheating on her through the girl he was cheating with and posted every aim conversation that he had with the other girl on facebook. now the girlfriend wasn't the prettiest girl around, but she damn sure didn't deserve that kind of treatment [even though she was so immature to put him on blast online] the other girl was pretty and the boyfriend actually said in his convos with the other girl that his girlfriend wasn't pretty enough for him and his status and he needed a better looking girl. even though he claimed to be in love and all that bullshit, he was still looking around for a better looking girl, just because.
clearly he was an asshole, but he's not unique.

[most] girls know that looks fade, why don't guys?

several people have told me that i shouldn't cut my hair off because i won't be pretty. i beg to fucking differ. i may not be the most gorgeous around, but i know somebody will like my black ass short-haired or not. and i'll probably like the guys who can appreciate my hair better than the guys who thought i was cute just because i had long hair.

[random aside: one time this stranger thought it would be ok to run his fingers through my hair. just walked up behind me and did it. i had to restrain myself that day.]

actually this whole post has been a random aside.
i should take the time to plan these things out than just hopping on a computer on my lunch break...

oh honey.

2009-05-16T12:44:00.001-04:00

so i've been trying to fix my skin while saving money. so i decided to use up whatever i already had.

my skin is clearing up and it's taking on this nice little glow.
i've done basically the same thing i always did but added something else.

basically i just slather honey on my face every night and leave it on from 30 min to whenever i feel like washing it off.

apparently honey kills bacteria and reduces inflammation and redness.

really cheap and completely natural.
after i wash it off i put my usual benzoyl peroxide cream on it and moisturize with oyinhandmade's whipped pudding [i will never stop singing the praises of this brand. how great is a product that can successfully moisturize your skin AND hair?]

black racism

2009-05-14T16:05:00.004-04:00

so in my sociology class my white lady teacher told me that non-white people can't be "racist" because they don't wield considerable power over society. and that whites are racist because the system that was created forever benefits them to the detriment of all the other melanin-enriched people of the world. i guess if you go by that system that's true.

but i think my mom is a racist.

and i feel like a hypocrite because i just find it funny. like if you heard a middle aged white woman say that 'black people are so nasty and they never wash their hands' you'd be offended. but my mom just thinks that whites are the nastiest people ever. she grew up in the country of nc and went to de facto segregated schools and an hbcu. she's friendly to white people but she doesn't really trust them and she finds them extremely unattractive. i don't think she'd ever get close enough to a white person to call them her friend. the way i was raised i thought that black people were better than everyone else. i know this isn't good or right, but i guess it's better than growing up thinking i was inferior.

i just thought of this because a few weeks ago my mom came into my job and was talking to me and my friend. she retold a time when i was in middle school and i had a sleepover and all of my friends who came over were white. [i was the outcast black girl, none of the black girls liked me and the white girls were cooler anyway]
she was just so confused and hoping that a black girl would come through the door but she didn't come. she was relieved when i got to high school and got a black best friend [the de facto diverging of races in high school is another blog entirely]

to make a long blog longer, this whole talk about race was brought on by her seeing my [black] friend with her [white] boyfriend. now my mom is not really a fan of interracial relationships at all. but she said "the lord had to deliver me from that because i know you're probably going to bring one of those white boys home"

i guess that's progress?

dear woman with a camera phone/webcam/whatever

2009-05-08T20:19:00.003-04:00

if you take pictures of your naked ass.

your intended recipient will never be the only one that sees it.
never ever.

it may just be shown to his best friend/his boys.
it may be shown to the world.

hell when i was in high school we had both a sex tape of some girl and naked pictures of another. both of which were for "private" purposes.

it never happens.

stop playing.

fml.

2009-05-07T12:20:00.001-04:00

i thought i was going to do ok this semester.
i ended up getting a b- in a class.

then my teacher decided to lower my participation grade because she realized i had a 4th absence.

making it a c+

fml.

help me please!

2009-05-04T00:27:00.002-04:00

if you're reading this please give me some suggestions.

so one of my main things i really feel necessary before i cut my hair is to clear my skin up since the focus will definitely be on my face.
but my face didn't seem to get that memo.

it's not necessarily the acne as it is some acne scars on my face which seem to be in it for the long haul. no matter whether i wash my face twice a day and use the leave-on gel stuff, it does not seem to fade.

and when that time comes around i tend to get the same pimples in the same place where the marks are. so when the go back down the marks seem reinvigorated or something.

plus i have dry skin, so using these products tends to make it worse.
i've currently been using ddf products [it was a gift obvi, i'm cheap!], but companies tend to assume that if you break out you must have oily ass skin, which i don't

help me please!

friends.

2009-04-29T00:43:00.004-04:00

so i had this friend right.

we went to high school together and were cool up until pretty recently. i began to notice that our friendship was becoming one-sided with me initiating most of the conversation/contact. this friend only contacted me when she wanted/needed me to do something for her. never to just hang out or go out to lunch/dinner.

this friend and i have birthdays that are a day apart. hers is the day before mine and i went to a dinner for her and bought her a card and went to her house afterward. now on my birthday...i do not recall her wishing me happy birthday nor did i receive a card. it's not like she could have forgotten.

now we were in a little "clique" if you will. and all of the other girls in the group were getting perturbed with her behavior in that she only talks to people when she wants something or is bored. other than that she basically sits in her room and talks to her boyfriend on the phone when she isn't at work or in class. she lives with one of my best friends and my best friend had been having a problem with that friend for a while. and after listening to all of us complain about her ways, her simply not recognizing my birthday when she claims to be a good friend to me, in addition to her bitching about nobody caring about her birthday when she doesn't talk to anyone and we still planned a dinner for her, set my friend off.

so after my good friend and their roommate told her about herself and how she was being a user. you would think she would take a step back and try to reevaluate herself in order to better her friendships right?

of course not.

she claims that we are simply ganging up on her and we don't understand what she's going through even though she doesn't tell anyone her problems since she uses the bitch logic that we should just know what's wrong with her without her having to say anything. so she simply stops talking to everyone in the group [mind you i have not said ANYTHING to her about the qualms i may or may not have.] i have been told that i enabled her because i am beyond nice to her [despite what people think, once you're my friend i will go out of my way for you with a smile on my face] even though she's a shitty friend. i have even initiated conversations with her [on the internet AND on the phone offering her comfort after a shitty personal incident of hers that i somehow got involved in because the person causing her problem called me] after this incident in an effort to gauge her reaction. does she do the same with me? of course not

AND SHE THINKS SHE IS THE VICTIM AND THAT WE [MY GROUP OF FRIENDS] DID HER WRONG

now. does this make sense to you? please explain this to me. clearly i'm too fucking nice.

ugh...bitches.

maaaaaajor laaaaazer

2009-04-28T20:53:00.007-04:00

anyone who knows me knows that i looooooove diplo. and now he's putting out an album with uk dj switch under the collective name of major lazer.

the bio of "major lazer" on 'rcrdlbl' reads

Major Lazer is a Jamaican commando who lost his arm in the secret Zombie War of 1984. The US military rescued him and repurposed ... (more) experimental lazers as prosthetic limbs. Since then Major Lazer has been a hired renegade soldier for a rogue government operating in secrecy underneath the watch of M5 and the CIA. His cover is that of a dancehall night club owner from Trinidad and he enlisted the help of long-time allies and uber-producers, Diplo and Switch, to produce his first LP. His true mission is to protect the world from the dark forces of evil that live just under the surface of a civilized society. He fights vampires and various monsters, parties hard, and has a rocket powered skateboard.
As part of a plan to subdue the forces of evil with a batch of futuristic dancehall bangers, the three encamped at Tuff Gong Studios in Jamaica to record the Major Lazer record. The product of this collaboration is Guns Don’t Kill People… Lazers Do, a collection of tracks that draws from the rich dancehall tradition of Jamaica, the futuristic dance-floor-killing aesthetic of Diplo and Switch, and contributions from some of the biggest names in dancehall today. The record runs global pop culture through the filter of Major Lazer’s particular brand of 80’s-inspired digital dancehall, at once an homage to a bygone era and a look to the future of dance music.

Lazer Boom 1 - Major lazer

p.s. imeem sucks.

jesus christ. the song they dropped with santigold and the album mix has been on repeat in el zune since it was released. why must i wait until june?!?!?!

beyonce.

2009-04-27T19:16:00.000-04:00

i have no problem with the woman.
she's beautiful.
she can sing...ballads. [majority of her uptempo shit is beyond retarded]
i'm pretty sure she's a nice person.

BUT THE BITCH CAN'T ACT.

can people PLEASE stop putting her in movies? one of my friends loves anything beyonce and says that i should support a black woman doing her thing.

no.

i'll support a black woman when i like what she does. i don't owe beyonce my $7 to watch her shitty movie just because she's black.

i just found out that she's going to play eartha kitt in a movie.
why?
i was surprised someone even cast her in a movie where she doesn't have to sing in the predictable shit sandwich, fatal attraction knockoff, 'obsession'. but then i learned that her and her father are producing it.

how predictable.

stuff like this makes me mad because they keep putting her in movies, knowing she can't act just on the hopes that her name will draw some money. while that particular movie could have been made awesome by a no-name yet talented black actress who finally gets a big break. but new actors/actresses are being stifled by studios putting non-talented rappers/singers in these roles just to get some stupid asses in the seats.

i never know how to properly end blogs...

...wait...what?

2009-04-26T23:11:00.003-04:00

so my aunt picture messages my mom a pic of my little cousin who had her hair flat ironed and it reached her butt and said that she had hair just like my mom's

*all of my aunts have very thin hair but my mom had ridonkulously long [butt length un-straightened] hair when she was young*

so i asked..."ummm why did you get a perm, again?"

"because it was really long and thick"

*blank stare*

oh what a horrible problem to have.
wouldn't a simple haircut remedy that?
blah.

preference.

2009-04-25T00:22:00.000-04:00

so the longer i get settled into this natural thing and reading my natural hair blogs, the more i develop a preference for people with natural hair.

i remember in social psych [i hate social psych, i feel like it's a waste of money paying people to do tons of research to tell us shit we already know] one of the few new things i learned was that once people make decisions, they then look for things that support their thoughts and look for bad things about the choice that they rejected [it has a technical name, but i never went to that class...]

i've always had a preference for men with curly hair/fros/dreads (basically anything i can pull/grab except cornrows) but i used (like up until i was 17) to think that the only way that a girl could be pretty , if she didn't have "good" hair, was to have it be straightened. now i find straight hair boring and i don't like the way most perms look on people. i also have found myself for the past year or so always complimenting girls with natural hair.

i miss playing in my hair due to these damn braids. i was sick of them after a week, but since my mom paid for them, i'm stuck until at least the end of may.

my potential chopping dates are either in june [6 months], august [when school starts], or december [1 year]. which one should i do?

virginity.

2009-04-22T03:11:00.000-04:00

am i the only female that thinks it's really not that serious?

i still have my v-card, but not for some dumb "oh it's a gift, i'm saving it until i'm in love blahblahblah" reason. i just haven't had a serious enough relationship where having sex was a reasonable idea.

i would like to know that you have another girl/have children/like to beat bitches/think africa is a country, before i fuck you, not after. i tend to talk to guys and realize early on that they will annoy the shit out of me, why waste my time (and body) on them? i don't feel like i need to be in love. but i at least have to know that you respect me and won't be an asshole. why is that so hard to find?

but girls who think they're special because they're virgins irritate me. so does this mean you won't be special anymore after you do it? basing part of your identity on something so (hopefully) temporary is stupid to me. saving it until marriage is completely unfeasible in this day and age and kinda dumb. why marry someone before you know what you like? and then if they suck in bed you're kinda stuck. i mean i guess i understand for religious reasons, but even christians need to be in tune with their bodies.

in conclusion: have sex.

cee-lo green and his perfect imperfections.

2009-04-21T01:43:00.000-04:00

i remember when i first saw this video, i was 13 and i thought that 106 & park/trl was the utmost in music and entertainment i was like "ew this is weird"

but now i know how ridiculously dope cee-lo is and his album 'cee-lo green and his perfect imperfections' has been on repeat for the past week

-well damn 'lo, what don't you do?
-bullshit!

*on that note i'll stop bullshitting and write this paper, lol

wtf

2009-04-16T15:42:00.005-04:00

am i the only person who saw this commercial and wanted to write a strongly worded letter to the burger king people?
and i am by no means a prude. but sometimes little things bother me.

talk about objectification.
square or not, it's still chicks shaking their asses...FOR KID'S MEALS!
REALLY?!
i'd see if it were people in general dancing with square asses, but it's just women.

if it wasn't for kid's meals i'd still think it was kind of wack but ignored it
but really?
and people are like it's just adults taking it too seriously and kid's won't think anything about it.
and then when they see susie dropping it like it's hot it's everybody elses's fault

how you doing beautiful?

2009-04-12T23:52:00.001-04:00

"damn you must have a man as fine as you are"

that's an annoying assumption.
but thank you mr. 30 year old dominos delivery man.

why do guys that are my age not flirt with me?
if they are my age they're usually hood niggas
my country/suburban ass can't handle all that.
apparently different types of dudes will approach me after i chop my hair off.
not really in the mood for the 'we are the universe and the universe is ours', kufi wearing, incense burning dudes either.
i like to curse, drink liquor, eat meat, and dance to ridiculous electro-pop.

blah.
death month.
bring on the red bull/5 hour energy shots.
[not back to back, tried that once and it was a VERY bad idea]
i'm pretty sure a study will come out 10 years from now saying 5hr energy shots cause cancer.

love.

2009-04-12T01:52:00.004-04:00

from 3:10 on makes my world.

_________

2009-04-10T06:00:00.001-04:00

the early bird gets the worm
and i don't even go to sleep...
-blu

this lyric randomly popped into my head as i was walking outside @ 5:30 a.m. [don't ask] and a little bird just hopped across my path with a worm hanging from its mouth. i just started laughing out loud since i was the only person there anyway.

of all the times to not have my camera.

clearly i really need to sleep more.

theme music.

2009-04-09T04:00:00.004-04:00

i'm still amazed at how long i let this gem languish on my computer a year and some change ago.
'place to belong' is currently my theme music for the week.
it's one of the few albums where i don't skip songs.
you should buy it if you don't have it.

rah rah.

2009-04-07T13:11:00.004-04:00

Franklin Street: The Celebration from The Daily Tar Heel on Vimeo.

i was very intimate with about 1000 people being almost crushed and by the end of the night my hair smelled like sweat and smoke.

so worth it.

quiet before the storm...

2009-04-06T02:52:00.004-04:00

i had a GREAT weekend.
free food + friends/family + BLU
being 20 isn't so bad

it would be great if i had a computer to put up pictures.

and now the downward slope towards finals and wanting to die.

blah.

hypocrisy.

2009-04-02T02:46:00.002-04:00

so today i was reminded how black women are such hypocrites when it comes to interracial relationships, and how i don't really care.

today i was at work and 2 of my good friends came over, one of them noticed an attractive well dressed black dude and was wondering who he was and blahblahblah. although i don't know him personally i knew who he was and also the fact that he tends to date white girls.

*insert our collective groan and rolling of eyes*

however
both of these friends tend to be interested in/date white men.

one of my friends immediately enters extreme ABW [angry black woman] syndrome any time interracial relationships are even discussed or seen on tv or in person.

hell, a biracial black/latina girl wrote in our school newspaper about how she hates seeing black men with nonblack women which confused even me since without black men dating nonblack womem, she wouldn't be alive.

hence our blatant hypocrisy.
but i completely understand it.

people are attracted to people of other races, that's normal since we're all human [more or less] but i think most of the time some black women believe that if a black man is attracted to a non-black woman that means that he is not attracted to black women. now sometimes that actually is true. but usually it isn't.

whereas black woman believe that if they see a black woman with a nonblack man, well it must be true love. sometimes that's true, sometimes it isn't.
and black women seem to fawn over nonblack men who tend to like black women which actually seems like some low ass collective self-esteem. it's like somebody who isn't black thinks we're pretty! he must be extra special! -_-

really, we all just need to chill out and not care what other people do. if a black dude actually actively doesn't date black women, then clearly you wouldn't have wanted his wack ass anyway so you're obviously not missing out on anything.
my philosophy in life is, if you don't like me, clearly you're wack. [obviously i was raised by an extremely self-confident mother]

but i will still laugh the next time my friend enters ABW mode and let out a silent groan when i see an attractive black guy with a non-black girl, especially if she isn't attractive.

because i'm a hypocrite like that.

sprung.

2009-03-28T11:32:00.004-04:00

i feel a little better already.
now to work on burning off the winter fluff.

loud sigh.

2009-03-27T23:23:00.003-04:00

*mom sticks her uninvited hand into my hair*

*makes noise*

mom: are you sure you want to do this? it's thick.

me: that's the point. thanks mom.

mom: i mean...as long as you like it. i want to see how this goes

me: why did you get a perm in the first place

mom: because it was too thick, i couldn't comb it

me: you don't comb it half the time now

mom: that's not the point

oh old[er] black women...

fuck.

2009-03-20T13:51:00.003-04:00

i don't have a working computer right now, haven't had one for about a week now.
all my posts are from public computers or @ friends' apartments.
luckily i have an external so all of my photos and music is safe.

but i can't download anything or put new music on my zune which kills me.

grrr.
i have a bunch of awesome photos that are stuck on my camera.

i'm itching to photo edit and download some albums...

maybe it's a good time to try a computer detox.

my president is [a tarheel fan]

2009-03-18T14:37:00.001-04:00

“Now, for all the Tar Heels who are watching, I picked you last year — you let me down,” Obama said. “This year, don’t embarrass me in front of the nation, all right? I’m counting on you. I still got those sneakers you guys gave me.”

this is probably why 95% of chapel hill students are obama supporters...

i don't want to grow up!

2009-03-16T21:39:00.003-04:00

so my friend just reminded me that my birthday is in two weeks.

and now i've entered a quarter-life crisis.
nooooooooooooooooooooooo.

I DON'T WANT TO GROW UP.

i remember when i used to be excited and look forward to my birthday up until i was like 14.
then i was indifferent to them.
and now i dread it.

now i have less of an excuse for not having accomplished anything at all in life.
i can't say i'm only a teenager anymore.

20 is the most irrelevant age.
i can still: smoke cigs, legally watch porn, buy things off the tv, get into shitty clubs. [not that i do any of that]

i can't: buy/legally drink alcohol, get into good clubs.

pointless.

for my bday i'm treating myself to getting my hurr did
it's been 3 months and dealing with 5 different textures [straight/curly/wavy/nappy/hybrid] is a hassle.
i can't decide whether i want to get braids or get it weaved up.
i change my mind every other day.
blahblahblah. pointless chatter.

the end.

big kid.

2009-03-12T02:03:00.002-04:00

so i find myself in my insomniac-ness usually staying up until 8 am and watching kids shows.

THEY. ARE. AWESOME.

i watch all these little language shows, my favorite is ni hao, kai-lan since it actually teaches me something for when the chinese take over the world in 10 years.

the wonder pets, the backyardigans [though i do have a slight beef with that show, uniqua? really?]...don't judge me. it's better than reality shows or whatever scripted bs passes for television now.

i envy young kids nowadays cuz now they have cool shows. the cartoons/shows for post-preschoolers to tweens suck though. i love yo gabba gabba. what other children's show can you find biz markie beat boxing and the roots and chromeo performing?

you can't NOT dance to chromeo!

sesame street back in the day [before i was born] used to be that cool [richard pryor anyone?] but i don't even know if it comes on anymore.

youtube ftw. some people thought roosevelt franklin was racist but i like him.

i'm watching cartoons tomorrow....

yoooooooooooooo

2009-03-10T03:38:00.002-04:00

so i went to blu's myspace page off the random

and he's going to be in raleigh.

on my birthday.

*looks up*
i knew you loved me.

obsessive

2009-03-10T01:56:00.003-04:00

am i the only person who goes through periods where you listen to one song/album obsessively for like a week until you find another song/album to be obsessed with. it can be a new joint or one i've known for a while.
and this week it's this song

Sundown - Daedelus

random

2009-03-09T01:02:00.001-04:00

i just woke up after falling asleep after getting off work and tv sucks so i'm reading a shitload of blogs/youtubing/throwing music on le zune. it's possible lol.

1st of all, wtf nc weather?
it was snowing last week. and now it's 80 degrees outside.
get it together.

2nd of all i was having an r&b session yesterday and quickly remembered why i don't listen to it that often. love songs when you aren't in love are just annoying. they either sound really desperate or borderline stalkerish.
but wtf happened to deborah cox?
i almost went to church on 'nobody's supposed to be here'
talented people never seem to last long.

3rdly.
i need a drink.
why couldn't i have been born a year earlier?

4thly
i've been squelching the urge to just go ahead and cut my hair off.
i know the second i do it i'll be on the floor in the fetal position crying that i look like a boy.

en fin.
jesus h. christ parents annoy me.
-brittney if you're going to cook [i cook for everyone in the house] you need to make sure you clean up afterwards
-brittney i cooked, the least you could do is clean up
-brittney you're never home
-brittney you can't just lay around here all day

what do you want from me woman.

in addendum.
i think i'm a misogynist.
damn i hate girls.

why are you single?

2009-03-05T00:07:00.000-05:00

or more specifically, why don't you have a boyfriend.
a pox on the next person who asks me that dumbass question.

my varied responses to this question will include

1) i'm a lesbian [false]
2) i'm asexual [half-false]
3) you haven't asked me out yet [depending on the person, i'm either being truthful or being a bitch]
4) i'm awkward [true]
5) i don't want a bf [half-true]

usually you will simply get a blank stare and a shrug.
and if i'm drunk you may get one of any number of outrageous and/or inappropriate responses.

that really is a stupid question.
i've never had the urge to ask someone that.
blargh.

do people listen?

2009-03-03T15:03:00.002-05:00

or is my phone number just really similar to a whole lot of other numbers?

i don't answer strange numbers and will let it go to voicemail and if it's someone i know they'll leave a message. now on my voicemail i say my FULL NAME.

i just got a message for some lady named caroline from the ford dealership

-i get called with somebody's medical test results at least once a month.
-one night at 2 am the police called me [they said someone else's name]
-one month i was getting calls every other day because somehow someone got my phone number mixed up with that of a cab service and was leaving messages about a cab
-some dude left a message talking about i don't know him but i need to call him back cuz he could make me happy [that was slightly creepy]

and my personal favorite
some lady called me one night and left a message talking about she was so-and-so's wife and she found my number in his phone and she needed to talk to me. her ass must be dumb as shit since she should have have his phone in front of her and she clearly called the wrong person

now i say my name in my voicemail.
do people not listen to it and say, hey this isn't caroline's phone, let me hang up and check the number i was given.
people are stupid.

chromeo + zune = yes.

2009-03-02T00:29:00.004-05:00

two step, two step, two step.

*ugh midterms.

honey.

2009-02-28T01:27:00.004-05:00

so i've been using oyin [which is yoruba for honey] products for about 2 years now. hands down the best products ever and i love it that much more now that i'm naturalizing and shit. it makes it ohhhhhhhh so easy. i refuse to use cheaper, generic hair products [i've tried and they don't compete] which is probably why i'm so broke most of the time. but the prices aren't too bad, nothing is more than $11 in its regular size, however i tend to stock up on the large sizes which runs me about $18 per bottle of conditioner. but it's sooooooo worth it.

it's made by a husband and wife duo out of baltimore. and everything is handmade fresh right when you order it. and they send you a piece of honey candy with every order.

it really doesn't matter what type of hair texture you have.
when i permed my hair the conditioner made de-tangling obsolete and my hair air dried straight for the most part. now it just defines the natural curl pattern of my hair and makes it extra silky soft and obedient. if they went out of business i would just die...or i would drive to baltimore and force them to tell me exactly how to make everything.

i'm not quite sure why i just felt compelled to rave about this.
hopefully it's useful to someone.

*exiting girly mode now*

bisexual. like a bicyle.

2009-02-27T14:47:00.001-05:00

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Unusual Suspect

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Joke of the Day

i've posted about the crazy black guy before.
do crazy people know they're crazy?

i HATE this song.

2009-02-26T01:35:00.005-05:00

i may be one of the only ones who don't particularly care for this song
but this may be the most entertaining random cameo having video ever.

ron howard?
ron fucking howard?
richie from happy days ron howard?!?
what is really going on.

bill bellamy?
tatyana ali?
i thought they were dead.
even his special needs sister [the big girl getting down] makes an appearance *i ain't gonna talk about the disabled*
all that was missing was madea.

but i don't understand people who can actually sing using autotune.
that shit needs to die soon.
*study break over*

fmylife.com

2009-02-23T04:05:00.001-05:00

Today, I woke up around 5am from a party I had last night. I was still quite drunk. This chick was lying next to me from the night before. I kissed her, and about a minute and a half into some heavy making out she opens her eyes and says "Oh, it's you." Then gets up and walks out.

Today, my wife told me that if she had a penny for every time I had brought her to climax she'd have change for a nickel. We've been married for 16 years.

Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. [what a dumbass]

Today, I found FML for the first time in class, and literally laughed out loud in the middle of the lecture in front of 200 classmates. Today's lecture? The cruelties of slavery.

Today, I walked past a man handing out miniature Bibles on my way to class. He proceeded to hand me one while commenting "here, you look like you need this." [this has happened to me]

Today, I went out to eat with my aunt and uncle, I barely looked at the male waiter because I'm a shy person. Then my uncle says: "YOU SHOULD TAKE OUT MY NIECE! She's never dated in her life." I'm 19 and my match maker is my uncle.

Today, my mom asked all the old ladies in her church to pray that I meet "someone special".

and my personal favorite
Today, I greeted a mom and a little girl at the place where I work. The little girl looks at me, looks back at her mom, and says, "Mommy, I hate people."

roflmao.
why did i stay up reading this site instead of doing my homework

hip hop my main b*tch, i got a few on the side...

2009-02-21T17:50:00.002-05:00

i've been in such a regina spektor mood lately.
that and just simple instrumental albums.
and electronica.
and listening to i would die 4 u by prince 10 times a day.
and having to resist the urge to dance uncoordinatedly in a crowd in the middle of campus

i'm rarely in an r&b mood.
i guess i'm not a good at being a black chick.

in one ear and right out the other...

2009-02-20T17:03:00.000-05:00

when you say you love me, it doesn't matter
it goes into my head as just chit chatter
you may think it's egotistical or just worry free
but what you say i take none of it seriously
and even if I did i wouldn't tell you so
i'd let you pretend to read me
and then you'd know
cause i hate when one attempts to analyze
in fact I despise those who even try
to look into my eyes to see what I am thinking
that dream is over, your yacht is sinking
i tell all of you like i told all of them
what you say to me is just paper thin.

*roger rabbits*

hair.

2009-02-19T01:46:00.002-05:00

i thought about this in part because while i was reading on salon.com i learned that white people apparently have just realized that black women have a shitload of hair issues. and chris rock has a new documentary out about black women's hair all brought about by his daughter asking him why she didn't have "good" hair.
it's always fun explaining black people hair to white people. [sarcasm. i love when people marvel when it's actually soft.]

and i decided to stop relaxing my hair about 2 months ago.

my mom braided or pressed my hair up until i was about 11, then she got tired of doing it so often and had it relaxed to save time and effort. if i had a say in the matter i probably would never have gotten one. but i have hair issues just like everyone else. i feel like most "regular" black chicks if they don't want straight hair [i don't] they want the stereotypical "mixed" girl curly hair [i saw stereotypical because i've seen some pretty nappy headed mixed girls] that they can flat iron whenever they want. you know, the "good" hair. i loathe that term so much. if you hair is healthy and strong it's good, period.

but i really hated relaxers and only kept getting them to maintain my hair length. before i cut my hair almost 2 years ago, for the most part i had what is considered to be long hair for a black girl [since most people assume that black women's hair doesn't grow]
example -->

i've gotten over the feeling that i need to have longer hair to feel attractive. i've been steadily cutting my hair since that haircut and don't mind it being shorter anymore. and i love the natural texture of my hair. i like to play with it when it grows and i would loathe having to part with it when it was time to get a touch up. so a few months ago when i was playing in it and looking at photos of muhsinah with her awesome hair, i thought why the fuck am i still doing this to myself when i hate it? and i thought about graduating and moving and having to find somewhere to get it done and blahblahblah. i already use all natural hair products anyway so it's not like i'd have to find all new stuff and i stopped blowdrying and flatironing it quite some time ago so this would be the next logical step.

it was more of a pragmatic decision really. that and permed hair kind of sucks. it's only fun right after you get the relaxer and after that it doesn't really work right.

i'm not going to become some granola-munching, incense-waving, warning about the dangers of the creamy crack and shunning the lye. i hate those broads.

i just didn't want to get anymore relaxers. but that simple decision has prompted questions of why the hell would i want to do that. and still having the hair issues that i have, i really don't feel comfortable just chopping it off especially since i have a peanut shaped head. an acquaintance suggested i just shave it off like she did but she's tall and statuesque, me? not so much. so i'm just going to keep it in braids until about december and cutting it more in between getting them redone.

besides. everyone is doing it!

damn this is long.
congrats if you actually read all this

aubrey.

2009-02-18T02:00:00.006-05:00

if one more person tells me i should listen to drake i will give them the look of death.
yes i've heard of him.
in 12th grade.
i still have the original rewind demo joint.
at first it was because i thought he was fine [obvi, reference pic above] and then i realized that i actually liked his music as well.

i hate assholes that feel the need to inform people that they are really really late.
and i don't want to be that asshole.
if it wasn't for his new butt buddy lil wayne, people still wouldn't know who he was other than that dude on degrassi.
that unstoppable remix goes so hard though.

*mumbles*
now i can't even like him publicly no more.

i hate living in nc.

2009-02-17T00:30:00.005-05:00

simply because concerts and limited release movies are not seen here.

i REALLY want to see this movie.
she looks like a young lynn whitfield and i freaking love wyatt.
i have a feeling that it will become one of my favorites after i see it.

chris brown'd

2009-02-16T02:02:00.000-05:00

[it's kinda sad that in his 2-3 year career he's been reduced to a euphemism for domestic violence]

but anyway.

me and my friend were going to wal-mart.
and as we're slowing down at a stop light i look over and see a man reach back and punch the female passenger beside him in the face. and then grab her by the back of the head and push it into the dashboard twice.

i really hope i misinterpreted what i saw and they were just a couple playing around.
i'm not a big fan of really divulging my forreal personal life, but i was quite acquainted with domestic violence in the past and there's really no excuse to hit a woman, especially a defenseless one.

i'm aware that some women act a fool and start hitting on a man. but men are usually bigger and stronger than women. he can easily just hold her arms and control her or just walk away. and there's a big difference between fighting back to get someone to stop hitting you, and all out beating their ass.

now if a dude's girl is big bertha or a trained fighter and she's beating his ass, fighting back is acceptable, but that's rarely the case when a dude hits a woman. the dude's usually some insecure asshole who doesn't have respect for himself or others. or he's just crazy.

sigh.

he gon' think i'm a ho.

2009-02-12T03:00:00.001-05:00

no this isn't relevant to my life.
i was listening to the love below [lover hater, happy valentine's day and all] and thought this interlude would make the perfect short. lo and behold...youtube has all.

the version in my brain had a much better execution, but it serves the purpose.
i want to shave her head though.