ughh still?

i was talking to one of my old friends from high school, somehow the conversation turned to hair and i casually mentioned that she would look cute with a fro.

"i'm too dark for that"


ughhhhhhhhhh.


mind you my friend is gorgeous. perfect figure, perfect clear skin, perfect white teeth which subsequently leads to a perfect smile and she has great fashion sense. yet somehow she still has jacked up color and hair issues which i have long given up on fixing

when we were in high school and i had long hair, she would always offhandedly remark on how since i'm lightskinned [that's subjective, i don't think i am] and had long hair that life was easier for me and i shouldn't complain about anything ever. and she also told me that i could do that "natural shit" because i'm light and cute and have "good" hair [i don't, lol] mind you, this girl shits on me, in my opinion, in all areas of physical attractiveness, but she never believes me when i tell her this.

but then again i don't live her life, so i can't speak for what she goes through

when i gave my subsequent silly not serious/but serious response and then asked 'how are you too dark for the hair that grows out of your head'
she replied, life isn't fair/doesn't make sense, but it is what it is.


i refuse to believe that.

i feel like the majority of people that have a problem with natural hair are other black people. white people fucking love my hair. i'm sure that is partly due to it being "different". but the most compliments and encouragement i ever got to go natural and after i did so (other than from other naturals) was from non-black people. just the other day an indian girl (the people that be-weaved dreams are literally made of) stopped me to tell me how pretty my hair was.

once again, how can one be too anything for something that naturally occurs on their bodies. that's like saying i'm too short for this nose. it makes no sense.
now if she just said that she preferred to have straightened hair i wouldn't have cared since i'm not a "natural nazi" (i hate the casual use of the word nazi) and i think you should do whatever with your hair that makes you happy. but assuming that you would be ugly with it because of your skin? i guess that goes back to the posts on the hair blogs about how some think only "pretty" girls can be natural. i think my friend is gorgeous, but maybe she doesn't think so...


blah. maybe i'm reading too much into it. maybe it's the same as not wanting to be without bangs because you have a big ass forehead. i don't think it is though...

lyrics to go III

now i know it seems so hard to understand me
but get used to it...

living easy takes a lot of time
maybe more, we'll see
cards are dealt
what you're left with
might not be for me
what's given is what's asked for
i'm in need of...i'm in need of...in need of

if i were stinking rich, i'd pay muhsinah to sing me to sleep 3x a week. real talk.

keep me near the cross.

*if you're following me on twitter you might have an idea of where this is coming from*

insert shameless plug --> twitter.com/PBelonious

now i'm not the praying type. or even religious, but i'm going to need some heavenly assistance if my days are going to continue like this.

i started working in a nursing home today for a class that i'm taking. i don't really care to work with the elderly because they just remind me of how i will be wrinkly and funny looking in about 50 years and i really don't like to think about such things. but the class sounded interesting and i'd at least get some volunteer hours that would look good on a social work grad school application.

this is a pretty upscale retirement facility and about 95% of the residents there are white. slightly more than half of the staff that work there are not white. i know they are from another time but shit but well...

today i attended the singalong with about 20 residents. at first it was benign shit like, "i bet you're quite the singer"

*side eye*

but then once they get into the songbook, not one but two songs included the word darkie.

-_-



...



-_-


really.

that was fun. me being the only such darkie in the room. in 2000 fucking 9.

i was there with another volunteer who was hispanic. some old lady kept coughing up a storm. i initially offered her a glass of water and she declined. still coughing the hispanic girl offered her some which she declined as well. she then promptly got up to get her own. o rly?
when she got up to leave somebody took her seat and songbook so when she came back the only place left to sit was beside me. i offered to share my songbook which of course she declined. but was quick to take one from my supervisor.

sigh.

sidenote: that's being black in america for that ass. having to just swallow random insults like that and still smile so you don't scare old white ladies.

once again, a good portion of the employees are not white. how the hell does she get by?

an employee who looked about old enough to be living there randomly came up to me and was asking me general background questions and started to tell me how she came into the field of working with the elderly. and she said that yes it's depressing working with the elderly because they're going to die, but it's all worth it if they can be happy in their last years on earth.


what. ever.

i can do bad sitting in my house with my money in my wallet.

i have ranted about tyler perry many a time before.

i don't think this dude even TRIES.
his movies are exactly the same and big name black actors sign up because they know it's a guaranteed check.


i haven't seen his new movie and don't plan on it. but i bet i know what it entails...

troubled black woman needs help finding her way in life.
madea shows up at random ass times for comic relief.
black woman goes through some sort of adversity with an unsavory character.
she finds her good black man [usually blue collar, the rich black men are always the bad guys, unless they are played by tyler perry himself]who shows her how to love and not be an asshole.
they go to church at some point.
somebody is on drugs and/or was molested as a child.
they dance in a club/cookout/in the middle of the street.
and all the men happen to be fine.

let's google and see if i'm right.


my bad. i was wrong.
tyler perry has evolved as a director.

black woman finds her good hispanic man. not black.
i apologize.







sidenote: if tyler perry can't do anything in this world, he can cast some fine ass men. i need to put csi: miami on my watch list... adam rodriguez plays a mexican in this movie and he is clearly puerto rican. but you know all those hispanohablantes are mexican anyway...


anywho...seeing that tyler perry has this inexplicable drawing power and influence in hollywood, why not use it? take a risk and make some art. he'd at least get some butts in the seat opening weekend before the church crowd realizes it's not all about jesus. or at the very least let others use his production studio to make shit that isn't completely predictable and scripted. well, apparently he's bought the rights to 'for colored girls who have considered suicide/when the rainbow is enuf' now i haven't seen the play and i've only glanced at the written choreopoem, but from what i gather, it's a pretty heavy serious piece about black women. i really don't see him doing this justice without it being contrived and...well...bad. but what do i know?

however i see that mary j. blige and gladys knight are singing in this 'i can do bad all by myself'. so if those ladies are your cup of tea, i guess you could accept someone else buying your ticket to see this movie.

i just want him to do better and not do the same movie every 6 months.

however, what i really would like to do is shoot him in the calf for 'meet the browns' the tv show. but i digress...

he's just not that into you

so i was having a discussion with a friend about how i'm bored and according to her, if i was so bored, i should just ask a guy out.

call me old fashioned, but i seriously believe if a guy really likes a girl he's going to go after her, no matter how shy or timid he may be. and i think a guy going after the girl usually means he's into her more. at the beginning of the relationship, the dude should be more into the girl and it evens out as it progresses. if a girl pursues a guy and he's just kinda feeling her but not really, that usually leads to foolishness like laziness, cheating, and keyed cars.

i also believe that the guy should do the majority of the approaching. that's not to say that i think girls should just sit and wait to get picked. anything from hovering in his vicinity and smiling to starting small talk or just happening to show up wherever he is [sike, that's stalker shit] can let a dude know that 'hey i'm noticing you, and wouldn't mind if you noticed me too!' if he doesn't pick up on it, he's probably a stupid, and nobody wants a stupid.

people say i'm intimidating but i think that's a bunch of horseshit. i'm not intimidatingly gorgeous and i'm not going to emasculate a dude if he hits on me and i don't want him. if a dude respectfully drops hints or outright comes out and says something [rare] and i'm not interested i'll subtly send signals saying so [keeping conversations short but still polite]. but if you come with some foolishness i will try my best to hurt your feelings. i told a guy to kill himself once...i don't feel bad...he was an asshole.


i don't think i could ever get to the point where i would ask a guy out in addition to the aforementioned reason, i'm just fucking awkward. i feel most girls don't really have "game" we just kind of show a little boob and smile and usually that's all we have to do.


eh...i'll just adopt a dog.
i want a cockeyed black pug. i like ugly dogs.


i could never be a writer...i just start typing about guys and end up googling black pugs...

lyrics to go II

my rhyme ain't good just yet,
my brain and tongue just met,
and they ain't friends, so far,
my words don’t travel far,
they tangle in my hair,
and tend to go nowhere,
they grow right back inside,
right past my brain and eyes
into my stomach juice
where they don’t serve much use,
unhealthy calories,
nutrition values.
and i absorb back in
the words right through my skin
they sit there festering inside my bowels

the consonants and vowels
the consequence of sounds

if i had to go gay for a white woman...it'd be regina spektor.

the magic stick/bored with my hair.

so i've posted about how my skin pisses me off and have finally found something that is starting to work for me. other than washing my face with whatever is lying around [i refuse to buy any new face wash before i use up what i already have] i've been using this thing[it's $8 @ whole foods and $5 @ trader joe's. whole foods is such a fucking rip off.]

i apply this stuff morning/night and whenever i'm sitting around absentmindedly during the day. my blemishes go down really quickly and my existing marks are starting to fade. plus it's all-natural and all that hippie shit.

i've kind of been ignoring my hair. well, actually i guess you could say that i've been wearing it in a "protective style". i like my hair texture but i feel like it's too short for me to really do anything with so i wash it once a week, twist it with oyinhandmade whipped pudding, pin it up, and wear hats all week [with a scarf underneath and still moisturizing every night] and wear a twist out on weekends. i figured i'm not seeing anyone since school isn't in session and i'm just going to work, it doesn't really matter what my head looks like lol.
i'm sure when school starts i'm going to have to keep it up nicely and actually do something to it until i get braids next month. grrrr.

ennui.

it seems the more free time i have the less i do. hopefully that means i'll be supremely productive when school starts

random pictures i just took out of boredom:

see how that spot is still there? yeah still haven't gotten that fixed...

i'm actually vaguely busy with taking care of things for my apt and freaking out about how broke i will be because i have to pay for this shit. i don't want to be a senior and graduate and shit. i want to fuck around for at least 3 more years. i'll probably join the circus if my plan a of finding a sugar daddy fails...

i'm kidding.

i'll just be a hobo.

wow.

i saw this @racialicious.


i mean...i guess.
i don't know how i feel about this commercial

i chuckled then was like...wait...

i don't really take offense to the weave because i've never worn weave before.
did she have to have that attitude?
but you know that's how we act... [sarcasm]

do not watch the orphan.

if you actually plan on watching that foolishness i guess you shouldn't click on this in your subscriptions things. i was going to tweet this but some people may actually want to watch this...


this may be the most ridiculous premise for a movie i have ever seen in my life. most of the time was spent laughing and sighing at the gotcha! moments in the movie when the music gets all dramatic and you're supposed to expect someone scary to pop out of nowhere. the movie is really long for no apparent reason except to draw out the suspense to what the girl really is.

a woman has a miscarriage and wants to adopt a child to lavish the love she had on the lost child on someone else. so a family adopts a child who is believed to be from russia or whatever. people start getting injured/dying around the child and only the mother is suspicious. the orphan controls her other 2 children through fear and gets the little deaf daughter to help her hide bodies and shit by threatening to kill her.

to make a long story short.
the orphaned girl is really a sex-crazed psychopathic 33 year old dwarf.

i repeat.

a sex-crazed psychopathic 33 year old dwarf.


wtf.


she is a violent psychopath who has escaped from an insane asylum in estonia [she has scars from a straitjacket on her neck and wrists and wears ribbons to cover them up] and her m.o. is that she pretends to be 9 and gets adopted by families. she causes strife in the family to isolate the mothers and then tries to seduce the fathers. when the father refuses to have sex with her (understandably because he thinks that she's 9) she then kills him and the family and burns the house down.

i have many qualms with the ridiculousness of this movie.

#1 why would a woman with 2 kids already feel the need to adopt another older child?

#2 would you really keep a child who refused to show you her neck and wrists?

#3 the woman is a proportional dwarf. meaning that she's just a short woman. in the end you see that she tapes down her curves. why the fuck doesn't she just live as a really short woman? she would probably have a lot more success getting men to fuck her. and nobody noticed her having a period?

#4 [the "creepy" part of the movie is that she is artistically gifted and draws pretty pictures but somehow also paints with paint that only shows in fluorescent lighting which shows that her pretty drawings are actually sinister and evil. she also draws people having sex on her walls with this paint] WHERE THE FUCK DOES SHE GET FLUORESCENT PAINT?

#5 she wears fake teeth to cover up the fact that she has 33 year old, third world dental care teeth. where does she find these things?

#6 nobody in estonia [the asylum looked pretty sophisticated, with enough people that worked there conveniently speaking english] sent out an APB for a super violent dwarf after she escaped?



i mean if you suspend reality this could be a pretty decent comedy. only supreme ineptitude on the part of EVERYONE in the world would result in this actually being possible. what makes movies scary is the fact that what's happening could actually occur. [i.e. the strangers, where people kill you just because they feel like it]

the little girl is a great actress though.

you should watch it on hbo. let my sacrifice of $7.50 keep you from losing time and money too.