do not watch the orphan.

if you actually plan on watching that foolishness i guess you shouldn't click on this in your subscriptions things. i was going to tweet this but some people may actually want to watch this...


this may be the most ridiculous premise for a movie i have ever seen in my life. most of the time was spent laughing and sighing at the gotcha! moments in the movie when the music gets all dramatic and you're supposed to expect someone scary to pop out of nowhere. the movie is really long for no apparent reason except to draw out the suspense to what the girl really is.

a woman has a miscarriage and wants to adopt a child to lavish the love she had on the lost child on someone else. so a family adopts a child who is believed to be from russia or whatever. people start getting injured/dying around the child and only the mother is suspicious. the orphan controls her other 2 children through fear and gets the little deaf daughter to help her hide bodies and shit by threatening to kill her.

to make a long story short.
the orphaned girl is really a sex-crazed psychopathic 33 year old dwarf.

i repeat.

a sex-crazed psychopathic 33 year old dwarf.


wtf.


she is a violent psychopath who has escaped from an insane asylum in estonia [she has scars from a straitjacket on her neck and wrists and wears ribbons to cover them up] and her m.o. is that she pretends to be 9 and gets adopted by families. she causes strife in the family to isolate the mothers and then tries to seduce the fathers. when the father refuses to have sex with her (understandably because he thinks that she's 9) she then kills him and the family and burns the house down.

i have many qualms with the ridiculousness of this movie.

#1 why would a woman with 2 kids already feel the need to adopt another older child?

#2 would you really keep a child who refused to show you her neck and wrists?

#3 the woman is a proportional dwarf. meaning that she's just a short woman. in the end you see that she tapes down her curves. why the fuck doesn't she just live as a really short woman? she would probably have a lot more success getting men to fuck her. and nobody noticed her having a period?

#4 [the "creepy" part of the movie is that she is artistically gifted and draws pretty pictures but somehow also paints with paint that only shows in fluorescent lighting which shows that her pretty drawings are actually sinister and evil. she also draws people having sex on her walls with this paint] WHERE THE FUCK DOES SHE GET FLUORESCENT PAINT?

#5 she wears fake teeth to cover up the fact that she has 33 year old, third world dental care teeth. where does she find these things?

#6 nobody in estonia [the asylum looked pretty sophisticated, with enough people that worked there conveniently speaking english] sent out an APB for a super violent dwarf after she escaped?



i mean if you suspend reality this could be a pretty decent comedy. only supreme ineptitude on the part of EVERYONE in the world would result in this actually being possible. what makes movies scary is the fact that what's happening could actually occur. [i.e. the strangers, where people kill you just because they feel like it]

the little girl is a great actress though.

you should watch it on hbo. let my sacrifice of $7.50 keep you from losing time and money too.