ughh still?

i was talking to one of my old friends from high school, somehow the conversation turned to hair and i casually mentioned that she would look cute with a fro.

"i'm too dark for that"


ughhhhhhhhhh.


mind you my friend is gorgeous. perfect figure, perfect clear skin, perfect white teeth which subsequently leads to a perfect smile and she has great fashion sense. yet somehow she still has jacked up color and hair issues which i have long given up on fixing

when we were in high school and i had long hair, she would always offhandedly remark on how since i'm lightskinned [that's subjective, i don't think i am] and had long hair that life was easier for me and i shouldn't complain about anything ever. and she also told me that i could do that "natural shit" because i'm light and cute and have "good" hair [i don't, lol] mind you, this girl shits on me, in my opinion, in all areas of physical attractiveness, but she never believes me when i tell her this.

but then again i don't live her life, so i can't speak for what she goes through

when i gave my subsequent silly not serious/but serious response and then asked 'how are you too dark for the hair that grows out of your head'
she replied, life isn't fair/doesn't make sense, but it is what it is.


i refuse to believe that.

i feel like the majority of people that have a problem with natural hair are other black people. white people fucking love my hair. i'm sure that is partly due to it being "different". but the most compliments and encouragement i ever got to go natural and after i did so (other than from other naturals) was from non-black people. just the other day an indian girl (the people that be-weaved dreams are literally made of) stopped me to tell me how pretty my hair was.

once again, how can one be too anything for something that naturally occurs on their bodies. that's like saying i'm too short for this nose. it makes no sense.
now if she just said that she preferred to have straightened hair i wouldn't have cared since i'm not a "natural nazi" (i hate the casual use of the word nazi) and i think you should do whatever with your hair that makes you happy. but assuming that you would be ugly with it because of your skin? i guess that goes back to the posts on the hair blogs about how some think only "pretty" girls can be natural. i think my friend is gorgeous, but maybe she doesn't think so...


blah. maybe i'm reading too much into it. maybe it's the same as not wanting to be without bangs because you have a big ass forehead. i don't think it is though...

lyrics to go III

now i know it seems so hard to understand me
but get used to it...

living easy takes a lot of time
maybe more, we'll see
cards are dealt
what you're left with
might not be for me
what's given is what's asked for
i'm in need of...i'm in need of...in need of

if i were stinking rich, i'd pay muhsinah to sing me to sleep 3x a week. real talk.

keep me near the cross.

*if you're following me on twitter you might have an idea of where this is coming from*

insert shameless plug --> twitter.com/PBelonious

now i'm not the praying type. or even religious, but i'm going to need some heavenly assistance if my days are going to continue like this.

i started working in a nursing home today for a class that i'm taking. i don't really care to work with the elderly because they just remind me of how i will be wrinkly and funny looking in about 50 years and i really don't like to think about such things. but the class sounded interesting and i'd at least get some volunteer hours that would look good on a social work grad school application.

this is a pretty upscale retirement facility and about 95% of the residents there are white. slightly more than half of the staff that work there are not white. i know they are from another time but shit but well...

today i attended the singalong with about 20 residents. at first it was benign shit like, "i bet you're quite the singer"

*side eye*

but then once they get into the songbook, not one but two songs included the word darkie.

-_-



...



-_-


really.

that was fun. me being the only such darkie in the room. in 2000 fucking 9.

i was there with another volunteer who was hispanic. some old lady kept coughing up a storm. i initially offered her a glass of water and she declined. still coughing the hispanic girl offered her some which she declined as well. she then promptly got up to get her own. o rly?
when she got up to leave somebody took her seat and songbook so when she came back the only place left to sit was beside me. i offered to share my songbook which of course she declined. but was quick to take one from my supervisor.

sigh.

sidenote: that's being black in america for that ass. having to just swallow random insults like that and still smile so you don't scare old white ladies.

once again, a good portion of the employees are not white. how the hell does she get by?

an employee who looked about old enough to be living there randomly came up to me and was asking me general background questions and started to tell me how she came into the field of working with the elderly. and she said that yes it's depressing working with the elderly because they're going to die, but it's all worth it if they can be happy in their last years on earth.


what. ever.

i can do bad sitting in my house with my money in my wallet.

i have ranted about tyler perry many a time before.

i don't think this dude even TRIES.
his movies are exactly the same and big name black actors sign up because they know it's a guaranteed check.


i haven't seen his new movie and don't plan on it. but i bet i know what it entails...

troubled black woman needs help finding her way in life.
madea shows up at random ass times for comic relief.
black woman goes through some sort of adversity with an unsavory character.
she finds her good black man [usually blue collar, the rich black men are always the bad guys, unless they are played by tyler perry himself]who shows her how to love and not be an asshole.
they go to church at some point.
somebody is on drugs and/or was molested as a child.
they dance in a club/cookout/in the middle of the street.
and all the men happen to be fine.

let's google and see if i'm right.


my bad. i was wrong.
tyler perry has evolved as a director.

black woman finds her good hispanic man. not black.
i apologize.







sidenote: if tyler perry can't do anything in this world, he can cast some fine ass men. i need to put csi: miami on my watch list... adam rodriguez plays a mexican in this movie and he is clearly puerto rican. but you know all those hispanohablantes are mexican anyway...


anywho...seeing that tyler perry has this inexplicable drawing power and influence in hollywood, why not use it? take a risk and make some art. he'd at least get some butts in the seat opening weekend before the church crowd realizes it's not all about jesus. or at the very least let others use his production studio to make shit that isn't completely predictable and scripted. well, apparently he's bought the rights to 'for colored girls who have considered suicide/when the rainbow is enuf' now i haven't seen the play and i've only glanced at the written choreopoem, but from what i gather, it's a pretty heavy serious piece about black women. i really don't see him doing this justice without it being contrived and...well...bad. but what do i know?

however i see that mary j. blige and gladys knight are singing in this 'i can do bad all by myself'. so if those ladies are your cup of tea, i guess you could accept someone else buying your ticket to see this movie.

i just want him to do better and not do the same movie every 6 months.

however, what i really would like to do is shoot him in the calf for 'meet the browns' the tv show. but i digress...

he's just not that into you

so i was having a discussion with a friend about how i'm bored and according to her, if i was so bored, i should just ask a guy out.

call me old fashioned, but i seriously believe if a guy really likes a girl he's going to go after her, no matter how shy or timid he may be. and i think a guy going after the girl usually means he's into her more. at the beginning of the relationship, the dude should be more into the girl and it evens out as it progresses. if a girl pursues a guy and he's just kinda feeling her but not really, that usually leads to foolishness like laziness, cheating, and keyed cars.

i also believe that the guy should do the majority of the approaching. that's not to say that i think girls should just sit and wait to get picked. anything from hovering in his vicinity and smiling to starting small talk or just happening to show up wherever he is [sike, that's stalker shit] can let a dude know that 'hey i'm noticing you, and wouldn't mind if you noticed me too!' if he doesn't pick up on it, he's probably a stupid, and nobody wants a stupid.

people say i'm intimidating but i think that's a bunch of horseshit. i'm not intimidatingly gorgeous and i'm not going to emasculate a dude if he hits on me and i don't want him. if a dude respectfully drops hints or outright comes out and says something [rare] and i'm not interested i'll subtly send signals saying so [keeping conversations short but still polite]. but if you come with some foolishness i will try my best to hurt your feelings. i told a guy to kill himself once...i don't feel bad...he was an asshole.


i don't think i could ever get to the point where i would ask a guy out in addition to the aforementioned reason, i'm just fucking awkward. i feel most girls don't really have "game" we just kind of show a little boob and smile and usually that's all we have to do.


eh...i'll just adopt a dog.
i want a cockeyed black pug. i like ugly dogs.


i could never be a writer...i just start typing about guys and end up googling black pugs...

lyrics to go II

my rhyme ain't good just yet,
my brain and tongue just met,
and they ain't friends, so far,
my words don’t travel far,
they tangle in my hair,
and tend to go nowhere,
they grow right back inside,
right past my brain and eyes
into my stomach juice
where they don’t serve much use,
unhealthy calories,
nutrition values.
and i absorb back in
the words right through my skin
they sit there festering inside my bowels

the consonants and vowels
the consequence of sounds

if i had to go gay for a white woman...it'd be regina spektor.