“i don’t care about what you are. i care about what you did”

once you read this you’ll probably figure out what sparked it.

let’s start with simple and subtle incidents.

• i used to work in the campus store at my university (unc-chapel hill). i often would get the ‘do you go here’ question by customers young and old, which i let slide since i didn’t want to “be so sensitive” however, one day a likable enough (ha) lady came up and struck a conversation with me. then she said, “oh do you go to [north carolina] central?” if anyone isn’t from nc, central is the local hbcu that’s 20 minutes away. now…what sense would it make for to drive all the way to ANOTHER university to work?
• if somebody asks where i’m from, and i tell them. i get “oh did you go to hillside? (the worst performing school in the city)” nope, i went to the n.c. school of science and math. google it bitch, we have a wikipedia page. why would you assume i went to hillside?
• one day one of the black frats was stepping in the pit (a place in the middle of campus where many groups pub and do little performances). a lady asked, “oh are they visiting from another campus?”

and this is stuff i just thought of in the last 2 minutes off the top of my head. i haven’t mentioned the race of these people. but i’m sure it’s pretty obvious. these people in their hearts of course would never believe that they’re racist. when you call them on it they get angry or call you sensitive or cry or some other diversionary bullshit other than confronting themselves and critically thinking about why they said or did these things.

we’re not going to get into the blatant stuff.

watch the vid and peep game from my 2nd favorite biracial man, jay smooth.

there’s more to acting racist than just calling people nigger. it’s usually that little thing called dismissing the feelings and input of a specific group or people. or better yet, not seeing an individual but seeing a [insert race] person. (fine example: laura ingraham’s simple ass writing in her trash book “the obama diaries” that michelle obama would eat ribs all day. the same michelle obama who makes a point to work out on a regular basis and sponsors a healthy eating initiative. she didn’t see michelle obama. she saw a black person. and you know how those negros love their pork!) and while you may not BE a racist (at least in your own eyes)…some of ya’ll do and say some racist ass shit. and after a while the little slights start to add up. so excuse the hell out of some of us for being “hypersensitive”

geez louise i just wrote my first real blog entry in literally months. i’m rusty.…somehow i think i just became apathetic about life. i’m working on it. i originally wrote this for my tumblr but i decided to post it here first since i seemed to have gained a few new followers even though i haven't updated in a while.

lucyyyyyy, i'm hoooooooooome.

i'm not dead.

i log into blogger everyday to read my subscriptions.
i just don't post.

i am here though.
and i'm still not abandoning this blog completely yet

twitter.com/pbelonious
justcallmepb.tumblr.com

boom.

5 thoughts that occured within a 15 minute span since i've officially a week-old college graduate

1) first thought: WHAT? YOU MUST BE MISTAKEN SIR. I JUST ENROLLED IN THIS FINE UNIVERSITY A FEW MONTHS AGO. WHAT? SPEND $50 ON THIS GOWN? I'M SORRY BUT YOU MUST BE MISTAKEN.

2) so this is it? i'm supposed to just go to a job and then go home and do...what? there is no easily accessible pool of like-minded peers? no wonder people have children...passes the time til death i guess.

3)speaking of having children, how do you people find dates in the real world? since we all know that men are little bitches these days and don't actually approach women they fancy in public unless they're hood [obamas]. friend hookups? my current friends have horrible taste in men, i guess i could make some work ones, IF I HAD A JOB. at work? what if i work with a bunch of old or lame people. eharmony/match/plentyoffish it is...

4)i got rejected from the first program (not a grad program, not interested in grad school for at least a 2 years) i applied to. working on my backup...still trying for a summer retail job and none of those mofos want to hire me.

5)seriously, can somebody give a sister a job? i'll do anything but strip and hooker...at this current moment.


bonus and completely unrelated to graduation



quadron quadron quadron! she sounds even better in english!

i haven't updated in a long time...

so here are some pictures...
i'll throw some words up soon

lyrics to go IX

we left on a note, that no one's singing
better off alone
make no excuses, a major escape
no explanation, i dare you

out of my bed
and off down the stairs
the back of your head was a clear view

four floors apart
(but we just keep missing)
two worlds in half
(and i'm still wishing)
four floors apart
and i'm still wishing
to see your face again


wonder just what i'd say...

that wince.

*disclaimer, if you've read this blog before you know that i basically write in the order that i think. if my grammar/syntax bothers you...meh*

i've been inundated with articles and opinion pieces about how black women are single and lonely and white women are taking all the good black men (i'm not here to argue for or against that aspect...i don't care.)
basically the popular line is that ALL black women despise black men dating white women (they don't) and everybody who's not a black woman basically thinks that black women are bitter biddies and need to get over it and try to find a white man.
essence seems to do a piece on it every month as of late, even jill scott got in on the action. to the point that it's just ENOUGH. can we just talk about puppies for 3 months?

btw did you know how hard it was to find a pic of black men/white women that WASN'T porn or heidi klum & seal...smh.

however, it bothers me when people act like black women are crazy for having these sentiments. a (white) friend of mine, read the jill scott piece and said, "i thought she would know better" i didn't say anything because i wasn't in the mood, but i don't think people try to understand where some women are coming from when they have these feelings.
i did have a friend who got spitting mad whenever she saw a black dude with a white girl...she was crazy. but, jill scott's article on the 'wince' that some black women have is completely justifiable. i can't say i haven't 'winced' when i see an attractive black dude with an obviously less than attractive white woman.
i have said this before, i don't care about the preferences of people i'm not attracted to. if a lame black dude loves white women, i give him a standing ovation, because i don't have to worry about him ever considering darkening my doorstep...i'm just difficult like that.

for the record, i'm not one of those women who thinks that black men are sellouts or anything of that nature when they date non-black women. i'm open to dating men of all races, however, i understand where some black women are coming from when they express these feelings.

journalist toure tweeted a few weeks back "to black people that have a problem w/ black men and white women, does it give you pause to know that the klan agrees w/ you" or something to that effect...

i hate when people are so smart they think everything they say is deep. that statement could be deep if you were completely ignorant of everything ever. to me that's basically saying, you don't like some of obama's policies, does it give you pause that bin laden doesn't either?

one, the klan's disgust for interracial marriage comes from a place of hate and the belief that blacks can not be equal to whites and that any white person that "lowers" themselves to be with a black become less of a person as well.
whereas, the problem that some black women have with interracial marriage comes from a place of hurt and disappointment. to some women it even stems from an inferiority complex as opposed to the superiority one that goes along with klan thinking.

also, miss me again with that klan bullshit. PLENTY of normal white people would have a problem or even just a little hesitation with their family members bringing home a black person...including your liberal friends, and it has little to do with hurt or disappointment that they may not find white people attractive. what about the children, my ass.

honestly many black women are subliminally or overtly told daily by society and even their family/friends/acquaintances that they're not pretty enough/not light enough/their nose or lips are too big/their hair's too nappy and they need to do something with it/they're too curvy (some of us black women ARE too damn big...but that's not what i'm referring to right now).

artist carrie mae weems did a piece that had a black woman looking into a mirror and the caption says
mirror mirror on the wall
who's the finest of them all?
the mirror answered: snow white, you black bitch.
and don't you forget it!!!


that's not what's said literally (at least i hope not to some people) but that's the message that many young black girls get...especially if they don't look like *insertsexyblackcelebritythatsnotbeyoncehere*
and it's cute and all if you pop up and say 'i don't care what people think of me' but most people care what some people think of them to some degree.
however if a non-black woman has "black" features (big ass, lips) she's the second coming of jesus for some folks.

now...let's put all that together. some women may feel that mainstream society doesn't value them as beautiful. so they assume that at least men that look like them would find them beautiful and attractive. [but sometimes that's not even the case if you don't look like the ideal. i can't count how many times i've heard ig'nant ass negroes say they prefer light skinned girls. i'd buy the "it's just a preference" bit if it wasn't an overwhelming amount of dudes that say that. add in being told that natural hair is not attractive from dudes who have the same damn hair] also add in constantly being smacked upside the head by the media that black women outnumber black men and most of those negroes are in jail or gay anyway.

then picture this girl seeing a black dude with a white chick.

we KNOW that you can't help who you fall in love with, we KNOW (well some of us...) that just because a black dude dates a white girl doesn't mean that he hates himself and all black people. we KNOW all this shit...but still sometimes you gotta wince.

i'm not saying it's right or wrong...but i understand.

lyrics to go VIII

oh yes, i'm the great pretender
pretending that i'm doing well
my need is such i pretend too much
i'm lonely but no one can tell

oh yes, i'm the great pretender
adrift in a world of my own
i play the game but to my real shame
you left me to dream all alone

three random personal hair musings

*yes guy subscribers it's a hair blog...feel free to ignore*

1) i have no hair styling skills whatsoever.
every time i've tried any style other than 2-strand twists or single braids...it has ended in complete disaster. i TRIED to do flat twists last week...however this was on hair that had already been stretched with a braid out.
i should have known it wasn't going to come out right, my twists looked nothing like the nice lady in the youtube vid's...but i just shrugged and put on a scarf and went to bed.
the result?
the front of my head looked like it had been pressed, then i went to the sweatiest raunchiest club and sweated it out grinding on strangers. not cute.




stick to what you know.

2) just because a product is expensive doesn't mean it's good.

this should go without saying but sometimes people forget it.
i...um...liberated a 2 oz. travel bottle of bumble & bumble's creme de coco moisturizing conditioner from walmart the other day. [THAT SHIT WAS $8. FOR 2 OZ! and it's like $25 for 8 oz. i would like to meet the woman who can afford that shit...then i would slap her and tell her to donate it to chile and haiti and buy some herbal essences] i wanted to see if the product warranted the outrageous price

well i tried it and it was HORRIBLE. my hair was just as dry...i might as well have just shampoo'ed it and air-dried it. and i used it, adding coconut oil and deep conditioning for 2 hrs. smh. glad i didn't pay for it...ahem i mean...that i liberated it.

3) although i love henna, i have to give it a rest for a while.

at first i didn't believe the curl-loosening effects of henna since i've used it forever, but now it's become ridiculously apparent. while it is a good strengthener it DOES loosen the curl, but only the hair that was already more loosely curled in the first place.
my loosest hair is at the front of my head, it was already 3c, and with continued henna use it's making it start to wander into 3b territory. now this wouldn't be completely horrible if that 3c hair wasn't smack dab next to the 4a hair on my temples. any loosening effects on the 4a portions of my hair have been little to none. you can probably imagine how ridiculous that looks...if not here's a picture




i make the loveliest faces, i know.

why can't we all just be bald?

dear barack h. obama

look.
i love you man.
i voted for you.
you were a historic president and all that jazz.
you're the first good-looking [in my correct opinion] president and you're cool as shit.
fuck what them hating ass tea-baggers say. you are fine by me.

but get your shit together please.
please stop pussyfooting around the place trying to make everybody happy.
i understand that you like to think things through before you do them, people don't know what to do with that after 8 years of curious george.
i'm not getting into specific policy cuz i got other shit to do...but you know what i'm talking about.

clearly republicans are on some other shit and not in the mood to help govern their country for the next 2 years. fuck them.
they want to cry and complain about taxes and socialism and a bunch of bullshit.
to be honest...you haven't changed much of anything since bush (they played some factor in this blocking and making noise when you attempt to do anything, the other part...idk what the hell you're doing/trying to do)
them complaining about you being a radical socialist communist marxist nazi is just a bunch of bullshit. SOME of these people just want to call you a uppity ass nigger and can't do so, so they just vent their disrespect in other ways.

they had dems shook in the bush years...and they have you shook now.
democratic president. democratic majority in the congress...yet you're bowing to republican demands and desires.
in the words of whatever ig'nant ass rapper said this, i have no idea...where they do that at?

[SN: i googled it and several artists came up including the name ballgreezy....
...
...
i can't.]

take a cue from the republicans and grow some balls.
when republicans were in power...THEY DID WHAT THE FUCK THE WANTED.
even when people didn't like it.
the said fuck privacy, fuck the environment, fuck the economy. fuck the soldiers' wellbeing.
and called anybody that disagreed with them unamerican/unpatriotic
i'm not saying go to that extreme

but you're just trying to pass some universal healthcare...at the most meager of levels. i understand the baby steps approach. i know we can't go for the whole enchilada the first time around, people have to get acclimated and realize they like it before you can take it further. but push that shit through! and not EVERYTHING has to be televised...people obviously can't handle actually watching how laws get enacted in this country. they realize how selfish individual politicians are. everybody hates politicians but loves their own...americans don't make sense.

i KNOW you're stressed. hell if it were me i would have been chucked the deuce and quit this bitch. some new tragic shit happens literally every month on your ass that you have to deal with that distracts you from all the old shit you were dealing with before. the american people aren't helping. they don't know what the hell they want. they want to stop spending and make new jobs at the same time. make government smaller, yet have their problems fixed first. i'm not saying ignore them...but ignore them. most of them are stupid and drunk off high fructose corn syrup anyway...and i honestly believe that your heart is in the right place and you're trying to make at least a little improvement in your term

but you asked for this, so you need to get on your fucking job so i can have some good stories to tell my nonexistent future kids about how you kicked ass and said fuck your name instead of just being black and a president.


p.s. michelle? you're perfect. don't change a thing.

in re-reading this...i curse too much.
i save my eloquent and extensive vocabulary for school and white people.
but this is how i talk in my head...and this is how my letter is written.

lyrics to go VII

i don't have any friends at all
cuz i have nothing in common with ya'll
so who's gonna catch me if i fall
my back's always against the wall
i don't have anything to say
i want everything to go my way
shut up mom! It is not okay
i'm alone almost every day

but it's cool
it could be better
i don't care
whatever

blah...this is how i fucking feel right now.
i fulfill my school and work obligations and go home and get under a blanket.
being a hermit is great.
being a hermit sucks.
argharghargh.

seriously random babbling

1. the problem with blogging. i like blogging my thoughts and what not...but then when i'm made aware that people actually read what i say i tend to retreat from saying anything because i feel like i sound stupid and don't publish anything. most of time when i blog it's very tongue-in-cheek/sarcastic and sometimes i don't feel that comes across well without the assistance of voice and someone reading might think i'm either kinda stupid or a super asshole. i am an asshole...but a nice one.
i don't seem to update as often because i'll start writing something and just save the draft, and in my silly head i blogged something. working on it...so here's me basically sounding stupid at 4 am.

dos.
i honestly wish i had majored in photojournalism. that way i could have access to amazing ass cameras and accessories and classes. i randomly get concepts for photo-essays but have no way to actually bring them into fruition.

4. i'm trying really hard to go back to pesco-vegetarianism. modern meat is just really gross when you actually know what exactly they do to it. i was just ignoring it. but 'it tastes good' sounds silly when you're eating that genetic freak artificially inseminated turkey sandwich or diseased corn-fed beef. if food was reared the natural way i'd be saying 'where's the beef?' but now...nah son

trois.
movies kinda suck lately...like aren't directors tired of making/actors tired of acting in different incarnations of the same damn story? i.e. the blind side, any black "first" movie, any buddy cop movie that has the black guy acting a fool and the stuffy white guy *looking at you bruce willis, tracey morgan is certifiably crazy but really bruce?* and coughavatarcough

b.
i really dislike valentine's day. people are like *oh it's a day to love yourself, it doesn't have to be romantic love, it's a celebration of all love* ...those people are dirty liars. being single is not that bad until you're reminded of it by people and their stupid ass love. yeah it's a commercialized holiday but so is christmas and you don't see everybody and their bitter ass cousin ray-ray hating on it. everybody deep down, no matter how much they lie, would not mind someone making them feel extra-special on a pre-designated day so that they can look forward to it. it doesn't have to include stupid ass teddy bears and cards, but something planned that makes you feel all fuzzy and sappy

c.
facebook ruins crushes. you meet someone cute, add them on facebook. read their interests and realize they have horrible taste in everything. crush over. like seriously, if you openly admit that 'i don't read'...stop breathing.

insert number.
i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired of hearing about black women and their black man shortage. honestly i don't really care. i wasn't really banking on ending up with a black dude being a colleged educated black woman where we outnumber black men enough, heaven forbid if i go to grad school. what pisses me off is all these "black relationship gurus" seem to act like us negresses are asking for too much for wanting to be with someone in the same intellectual sphere that we're in.

black dudes don't seem to like me much anyway.
-i don't like dudes that cite lil wayne as their favorite rapper
-i dislike the use of the phrase 'grown & sexy' which seems to be the name of the gatherings where all these "desirable" black men congregate
-i have low tolerance for misogyny and shenanigans
-i've been told that i have a dominant personality? i don't believe it but whatevs
-i'm a little strange
-and on top of that i have natural hair (argue your personal anecdotal evidence if you like, but in my personal anecdotal evidence most black dudes (like >50% but <90%) prefer girls with straight hair or actively dislike natural hair unless it's the loosely curled "mixed girl hair" *of course that's in quotes because plenty of directly mixed girls have super kinky hair while some black girls don't*)

that eliminates like...80% of black dudes and probably the majority of dudes of other races too.
this is why i'm getting a dog.
i'm being hyperbolic...slightly


why am i single? why don't guys seem to like me? i'm no beyonce (HA) but i damn sure ain't the ugliest thing for a 10 mile radius. i'm cute! i'm smart! i'm funny! i'm witty! i read books! i can cook! i have big boobs! i'm not clingy! i use exclamation points in an exagerrated fashion! banana!

and that ladies & gents, is the making of my eharmony profile.
ha.


and now i shall pretend to sleep before class @ 10 am knowing that i have accomplished at least one thing today. next time will be much less scattered.

i hate februarys

Fevrale dostat chernil i plakat,
Pisat O Fevrale navsnryd,
Poka grohochushaya slyakot
Vesnoyu charnoyu gorit.

[February. get ink, shed tears.
write of it, sob your heart out, sing.
while torrential slush that roars,
burns in the blackness of the spring.]

februarys suck.
-it's usually the coldest and darkest month of the year.
-valentine's day. *being perpetually single is fine until you get smacked upside the head with happy couples*
-and i have to hear about martin luther the king and all of the same black people we have been taught about since 2nd grade while not teaching children comprehensive black history or having a real conversation about race and why black history month is necessary. is it? who knows? i'm sleepy.


i haven't abandoned this blog yet. promise i'll update sooner than later.

varios fotos

my ipod is lucky i made it cute or else i would throw it against a wall.
zune>ipod.
the end.

i don't even put pics on flickr or facebook anymore...i just let them sit on my hard drive solely for my personal enjoyment...that's what i got a camera for anyway, i'm selfish like that.

lyrics to go VI

i fool me once again
so i pull out my favorite pen, i turn another page
it seems i'm getting older but i barely know my age
maybe i'm just a figment of imaginary blame

i fool me once again
is it all in my head?
there i was so ill-adjusted on the wrong side of the bed
is there something you can tell me? cuz i'm really feeling low
i swore i knew the way
thought i knew just where to go
thought i had something to say
what do i know?

i thought i knew what to say
hey, what do i know?
i thought i knew where to go
oh, what do i know?
i thought i knew what to say
hey, what do i know?
i thought i knew what to say, i knew where to go
what do i know?

is it nothing but a game?
if it is where are the rules?
cuz i'm not sure just how to play
well i watch it although passing by, just blowing in the wind
like everything, i thought i knew before
i guess i'll just pretend
be like everybody else
damn, i barely know my name
there i was so ill-adjusted unaware of why i came
when they lock me in the looney bin, i'll tell them where to go
maybe this will be the curtain call for all the status quo
what do i know?

i don't know what to say
hey, what do i know?
i don't know where to go
oh, what do i know?


....and all that you know goes right out the window

this song basically sums up my current mood for the past month.
i LIVE for j*davey.