lyrics to go VIII

oh yes, i'm the great pretender
pretending that i'm doing well
my need is such i pretend too much
i'm lonely but no one can tell

oh yes, i'm the great pretender
adrift in a world of my own
i play the game but to my real shame
you left me to dream all alone

three random personal hair musings

*yes guy subscribers it's a hair blog...feel free to ignore*

1) i have no hair styling skills whatsoever.
every time i've tried any style other than 2-strand twists or single braids...it has ended in complete disaster. i TRIED to do flat twists last week...however this was on hair that had already been stretched with a braid out.
i should have known it wasn't going to come out right, my twists looked nothing like the nice lady in the youtube vid's...but i just shrugged and put on a scarf and went to bed.
the result?
the front of my head looked like it had been pressed, then i went to the sweatiest raunchiest club and sweated it out grinding on strangers. not cute.




stick to what you know.

2) just because a product is expensive doesn't mean it's good.

this should go without saying but sometimes people forget it.
i...um...liberated a 2 oz. travel bottle of bumble & bumble's creme de coco moisturizing conditioner from walmart the other day. [THAT SHIT WAS $8. FOR 2 OZ! and it's like $25 for 8 oz. i would like to meet the woman who can afford that shit...then i would slap her and tell her to donate it to chile and haiti and buy some herbal essences] i wanted to see if the product warranted the outrageous price

well i tried it and it was HORRIBLE. my hair was just as dry...i might as well have just shampoo'ed it and air-dried it. and i used it, adding coconut oil and deep conditioning for 2 hrs. smh. glad i didn't pay for it...ahem i mean...that i liberated it.

3) although i love henna, i have to give it a rest for a while.

at first i didn't believe the curl-loosening effects of henna since i've used it forever, but now it's become ridiculously apparent. while it is a good strengthener it DOES loosen the curl, but only the hair that was already more loosely curled in the first place.
my loosest hair is at the front of my head, it was already 3c, and with continued henna use it's making it start to wander into 3b territory. now this wouldn't be completely horrible if that 3c hair wasn't smack dab next to the 4a hair on my temples. any loosening effects on the 4a portions of my hair have been little to none. you can probably imagine how ridiculous that looks...if not here's a picture




i make the loveliest faces, i know.

why can't we all just be bald?

dear barack h. obama

look.
i love you man.
i voted for you.
you were a historic president and all that jazz.
you're the first good-looking [in my correct opinion] president and you're cool as shit.
fuck what them hating ass tea-baggers say. you are fine by me.

but get your shit together please.
please stop pussyfooting around the place trying to make everybody happy.
i understand that you like to think things through before you do them, people don't know what to do with that after 8 years of curious george.
i'm not getting into specific policy cuz i got other shit to do...but you know what i'm talking about.

clearly republicans are on some other shit and not in the mood to help govern their country for the next 2 years. fuck them.
they want to cry and complain about taxes and socialism and a bunch of bullshit.
to be honest...you haven't changed much of anything since bush (they played some factor in this blocking and making noise when you attempt to do anything, the other part...idk what the hell you're doing/trying to do)
them complaining about you being a radical socialist communist marxist nazi is just a bunch of bullshit. SOME of these people just want to call you a uppity ass nigger and can't do so, so they just vent their disrespect in other ways.

they had dems shook in the bush years...and they have you shook now.
democratic president. democratic majority in the congress...yet you're bowing to republican demands and desires.
in the words of whatever ig'nant ass rapper said this, i have no idea...where they do that at?

[SN: i googled it and several artists came up including the name ballgreezy....
...
...
i can't.]

take a cue from the republicans and grow some balls.
when republicans were in power...THEY DID WHAT THE FUCK THE WANTED.
even when people didn't like it.
the said fuck privacy, fuck the environment, fuck the economy. fuck the soldiers' wellbeing.
and called anybody that disagreed with them unamerican/unpatriotic
i'm not saying go to that extreme

but you're just trying to pass some universal healthcare...at the most meager of levels. i understand the baby steps approach. i know we can't go for the whole enchilada the first time around, people have to get acclimated and realize they like it before you can take it further. but push that shit through! and not EVERYTHING has to be televised...people obviously can't handle actually watching how laws get enacted in this country. they realize how selfish individual politicians are. everybody hates politicians but loves their own...americans don't make sense.

i KNOW you're stressed. hell if it were me i would have been chucked the deuce and quit this bitch. some new tragic shit happens literally every month on your ass that you have to deal with that distracts you from all the old shit you were dealing with before. the american people aren't helping. they don't know what the hell they want. they want to stop spending and make new jobs at the same time. make government smaller, yet have their problems fixed first. i'm not saying ignore them...but ignore them. most of them are stupid and drunk off high fructose corn syrup anyway...and i honestly believe that your heart is in the right place and you're trying to make at least a little improvement in your term

but you asked for this, so you need to get on your fucking job so i can have some good stories to tell my nonexistent future kids about how you kicked ass and said fuck your name instead of just being black and a president.


p.s. michelle? you're perfect. don't change a thing.

in re-reading this...i curse too much.
i save my eloquent and extensive vocabulary for school and white people.
but this is how i talk in my head...and this is how my letter is written.

lyrics to go VII

i don't have any friends at all
cuz i have nothing in common with ya'll
so who's gonna catch me if i fall
my back's always against the wall
i don't have anything to say
i want everything to go my way
shut up mom! It is not okay
i'm alone almost every day

but it's cool
it could be better
i don't care
whatever

blah...this is how i fucking feel right now.
i fulfill my school and work obligations and go home and get under a blanket.
being a hermit is great.
being a hermit sucks.
argharghargh.

seriously random babbling

1. the problem with blogging. i like blogging my thoughts and what not...but then when i'm made aware that people actually read what i say i tend to retreat from saying anything because i feel like i sound stupid and don't publish anything. most of time when i blog it's very tongue-in-cheek/sarcastic and sometimes i don't feel that comes across well without the assistance of voice and someone reading might think i'm either kinda stupid or a super asshole. i am an asshole...but a nice one.
i don't seem to update as often because i'll start writing something and just save the draft, and in my silly head i blogged something. working on it...so here's me basically sounding stupid at 4 am.

dos.
i honestly wish i had majored in photojournalism. that way i could have access to amazing ass cameras and accessories and classes. i randomly get concepts for photo-essays but have no way to actually bring them into fruition.

4. i'm trying really hard to go back to pesco-vegetarianism. modern meat is just really gross when you actually know what exactly they do to it. i was just ignoring it. but 'it tastes good' sounds silly when you're eating that genetic freak artificially inseminated turkey sandwich or diseased corn-fed beef. if food was reared the natural way i'd be saying 'where's the beef?' but now...nah son

trois.
movies kinda suck lately...like aren't directors tired of making/actors tired of acting in different incarnations of the same damn story? i.e. the blind side, any black "first" movie, any buddy cop movie that has the black guy acting a fool and the stuffy white guy *looking at you bruce willis, tracey morgan is certifiably crazy but really bruce?* and coughavatarcough

b.
i really dislike valentine's day. people are like *oh it's a day to love yourself, it doesn't have to be romantic love, it's a celebration of all love* ...those people are dirty liars. being single is not that bad until you're reminded of it by people and their stupid ass love. yeah it's a commercialized holiday but so is christmas and you don't see everybody and their bitter ass cousin ray-ray hating on it. everybody deep down, no matter how much they lie, would not mind someone making them feel extra-special on a pre-designated day so that they can look forward to it. it doesn't have to include stupid ass teddy bears and cards, but something planned that makes you feel all fuzzy and sappy

c.
facebook ruins crushes. you meet someone cute, add them on facebook. read their interests and realize they have horrible taste in everything. crush over. like seriously, if you openly admit that 'i don't read'...stop breathing.

insert number.
i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired of hearing about black women and their black man shortage. honestly i don't really care. i wasn't really banking on ending up with a black dude being a colleged educated black woman where we outnumber black men enough, heaven forbid if i go to grad school. what pisses me off is all these "black relationship gurus" seem to act like us negresses are asking for too much for wanting to be with someone in the same intellectual sphere that we're in.

black dudes don't seem to like me much anyway.
-i don't like dudes that cite lil wayne as their favorite rapper
-i dislike the use of the phrase 'grown & sexy' which seems to be the name of the gatherings where all these "desirable" black men congregate
-i have low tolerance for misogyny and shenanigans
-i've been told that i have a dominant personality? i don't believe it but whatevs
-i'm a little strange
-and on top of that i have natural hair (argue your personal anecdotal evidence if you like, but in my personal anecdotal evidence most black dudes (like >50% but <90%) prefer girls with straight hair or actively dislike natural hair unless it's the loosely curled "mixed girl hair" *of course that's in quotes because plenty of directly mixed girls have super kinky hair while some black girls don't*)

that eliminates like...80% of black dudes and probably the majority of dudes of other races too.
this is why i'm getting a dog.
i'm being hyperbolic...slightly


why am i single? why don't guys seem to like me? i'm no beyonce (HA) but i damn sure ain't the ugliest thing for a 10 mile radius. i'm cute! i'm smart! i'm funny! i'm witty! i read books! i can cook! i have big boobs! i'm not clingy! i use exclamation points in an exagerrated fashion! banana!

and that ladies & gents, is the making of my eharmony profile.
ha.


and now i shall pretend to sleep before class @ 10 am knowing that i have accomplished at least one thing today. next time will be much less scattered.

i hate februarys

Fevrale dostat chernil i plakat,
Pisat O Fevrale navsnryd,
Poka grohochushaya slyakot
Vesnoyu charnoyu gorit.

[February. get ink, shed tears.
write of it, sob your heart out, sing.
while torrential slush that roars,
burns in the blackness of the spring.]

februarys suck.
-it's usually the coldest and darkest month of the year.
-valentine's day. *being perpetually single is fine until you get smacked upside the head with happy couples*
-and i have to hear about martin luther the king and all of the same black people we have been taught about since 2nd grade while not teaching children comprehensive black history or having a real conversation about race and why black history month is necessary. is it? who knows? i'm sleepy.


i haven't abandoned this blog yet. promise i'll update sooner than later.

varios fotos

my ipod is lucky i made it cute or else i would throw it against a wall.
zune>ipod.
the end.

i don't even put pics on flickr or facebook anymore...i just let them sit on my hard drive solely for my personal enjoyment...that's what i got a camera for anyway, i'm selfish like that.

lyrics to go VI

i fool me once again
so i pull out my favorite pen, i turn another page
it seems i'm getting older but i barely know my age
maybe i'm just a figment of imaginary blame

i fool me once again
is it all in my head?
there i was so ill-adjusted on the wrong side of the bed
is there something you can tell me? cuz i'm really feeling low
i swore i knew the way
thought i knew just where to go
thought i had something to say
what do i know?

i thought i knew what to say
hey, what do i know?
i thought i knew where to go
oh, what do i know?
i thought i knew what to say
hey, what do i know?
i thought i knew what to say, i knew where to go
what do i know?

is it nothing but a game?
if it is where are the rules?
cuz i'm not sure just how to play
well i watch it although passing by, just blowing in the wind
like everything, i thought i knew before
i guess i'll just pretend
be like everybody else
damn, i barely know my name
there i was so ill-adjusted unaware of why i came
when they lock me in the looney bin, i'll tell them where to go
maybe this will be the curtain call for all the status quo
what do i know?

i don't know what to say
hey, what do i know?
i don't know where to go
oh, what do i know?


....and all that you know goes right out the window

this song basically sums up my current mood for the past month.
i LIVE for j*davey.

bag lady.

random.

i decided to clean out my bag today after being picked on all the time since everyone says it looks like a diaper bag and not being able to find anything in the abyss. it's a computer bag which i got because the straps kept breaking on all the cute purses i had from all my shit. i'm buying a new asap.

contents include but not limited to

-camera
-3 books (the brief wondrous life of oscar wao and drown by junot diaz & the autograph man by zadie smith)
-2 cds (j.cole and lupe fiasco mixtape)
-box of crayons
-5 1/2 candy canes
-a bag (yes, a bag) of lotion...i don't even remember why that's in there
-3 different types of hand lotion
-2 pairs of earrings
-scotch tape (no idea why that's in there)
-deodorant
-3 tubes of mascara
-half used bottled of carols daughter hair milk that i kept trying to make work since i paid for it...hated it
-raisins

note how neither my keys, wallet, nor cell phone is in there?

i need to organize my life and minimize my space.

i feel like my bag is just indicative of other things i need to organize and get together

gah.

year one.

*warning...long post*

so...it's been about one year since the last relaxer and i kinda love it.

even in high school i thought about stopping perms, but i was so attached to my long straight hair. then when i got to college and got it cut off freshman year due to dead ends and unevenness, i thought even harder about it. when it started to get thin and contrary during the first semester of my junior year that was it for me.

i have infinitely less bad hair days. i used to feel like my hair was so thin and i hated stick-y ponytails. [we've all seen the hot mess stick-y ponytail...when the head might move but the hair doesn't and it sticks straight out looking a dreadful mess]
now even if my hair is extra frizzy and kinky, i can just make it bigger and put on a headband and it looks like i did it on purpose.

what do i with it? i'm glad you asked.

1) i don't put heat on my hair. at all. i don't even own a blowdryer or flat iron. [good thing since my janky ass apt doesnt have outlets in the fucking bathrooms]

2) i henna it once a month. i've been henna-ing my hair since sophomore year when i was still relaxed...i really like the conditioning treatment it gives my hair and the slight reddish tinge.
(TRY IT)

3) i have a satin pillowcase & comforter because i'm too lazy to put on a bonnet or whatever so i just hop in the bed at night after dabbing a little moisturizer and un-smush in the morning if necessary.

i'm still an oyinhandmade addict. [they make awesome youtube vids too, here's another that shows you their process. how can you not love a business like that?] i'm probably one of their most loyal customers since i end up ordering something from them every month. the only time i've strayed is with qhemetbiologics amla and olive heavy cream [pretty good product, it's always out of stock though] or one time with carols daughter when i ran out of oyin and needed something to hold me over...i HATE carols daughter but i digress. i recommend...everything oyin makes. [except my beloved honeyhemp conditioner and juices&berries aren't good for the cold winter...but every other season = holy grail]

i shampoo when necessary with dr. bronners castile soap or baking soda. mostly cowash with herbal essences hello hydration and sometimes leave-in with aubrey organics honeysuckle rose conditioner.
my hair is pickypickypicky. if cheap drugstore shit worked on it, i'd use it...but even my hair is bourgie. most cheap stuff leaves it dry or greasy/sticky...no bueno. i've tried making my own stuff but it's hit and [extreme] miss, so i just buy other folks' stuff.

pictorial recap? i'm glad you asked that too.

long hair in 06/07. i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss it...it'll be back soon enough.

thin w/scraggly ends in 08

[may] 5 months of transitioning, one night i just got irritated at the two textures and went to town in the bathroom. this is the day after i bc'd...kinda. note the permed ends still there

[june] ends still there. no idea why i was clinging on to hair i had to cut anyway.

[august] ends gone. have yet to learn the art of twisting/stretching my hair

[september] still haven't mastered twisting. my aforementioned texture differences are kinda noticeable here]

[november] started wearing twists out of the house. ignore my facial expression, i dont know any better

[mid-november] this is my version of a bad hair day now. it's disobedient, i put on a headband and ignore it

[december] twist-out mastered!

gratuitous. i took this last sunday cuz i thought i looked cute.

my hair stretched reaches my shoulders in a layered fashion.
i don't know if that's shorter or faster growth than normal.
so far i think this thing on my head is awesome. i have a lot more styling options and it grows so much faster. i've even inspired one of my best friends to consider it. [i doubt she'll actually go through, but it's a start] i love whenever i see a kinky comrade we always end up talking about hair and exchanging compliments and tips.

it's christmas eve and i'm out of juice...i've been tweaking this post for like a week. most people probably won't read this until i post again anyway since everybody's doing december things.

blahblahblah.
natural hair ftw.