bag lady.

random.

i decided to clean out my bag today after being picked on all the time since everyone says it looks like a diaper bag and not being able to find anything in the abyss. it's a computer bag which i got because the straps kept breaking on all the cute purses i had from all my shit. i'm buying a new asap.

contents include but not limited to

-camera
-3 books (the brief wondrous life of oscar wao and drown by junot diaz & the autograph man by zadie smith)
-2 cds (j.cole and lupe fiasco mixtape)
-box of crayons
-5 1/2 candy canes
-a bag (yes, a bag) of lotion...i don't even remember why that's in there
-3 different types of hand lotion
-2 pairs of earrings
-scotch tape (no idea why that's in there)
-deodorant
-3 tubes of mascara
-half used bottled of carols daughter hair milk that i kept trying to make work since i paid for it...hated it
-raisins

note how neither my keys, wallet, nor cell phone is in there?

i need to organize my life and minimize my space.

i feel like my bag is just indicative of other things i need to organize and get together

gah.

year one.

*warning...long post*

so...it's been about one year since the last relaxer and i kinda love it.

even in high school i thought about stopping perms, but i was so attached to my long straight hair. then when i got to college and got it cut off freshman year due to dead ends and unevenness, i thought even harder about it. when it started to get thin and contrary during the first semester of my junior year that was it for me.

i have infinitely less bad hair days. i used to feel like my hair was so thin and i hated stick-y ponytails. [we've all seen the hot mess stick-y ponytail...when the head might move but the hair doesn't and it sticks straight out looking a dreadful mess]
now even if my hair is extra frizzy and kinky, i can just make it bigger and put on a headband and it looks like i did it on purpose.

what do i with it? i'm glad you asked.

1) i don't put heat on my hair. at all. i don't even own a blowdryer or flat iron. [good thing since my janky ass apt doesnt have outlets in the fucking bathrooms]

2) i henna it once a month. i've been henna-ing my hair since sophomore year when i was still relaxed...i really like the conditioning treatment it gives my hair and the slight reddish tinge.
(TRY IT)

3) i have a satin pillowcase & comforter because i'm too lazy to put on a bonnet or whatever so i just hop in the bed at night after dabbing a little moisturizer and un-smush in the morning if necessary.

i'm still an oyinhandmade addict. [they make awesome youtube vids too, here's another that shows you their process. how can you not love a business like that?] i'm probably one of their most loyal customers since i end up ordering something from them every month. the only time i've strayed is with qhemetbiologics amla and olive heavy cream [pretty good product, it's always out of stock though] or one time with carols daughter when i ran out of oyin and needed something to hold me over...i HATE carols daughter but i digress. i recommend...everything oyin makes. [except my beloved honeyhemp conditioner and juices&berries aren't good for the cold winter...but every other season = holy grail]

i shampoo when necessary with dr. bronners castile soap or baking soda. mostly cowash with herbal essences hello hydration and sometimes leave-in with aubrey organics honeysuckle rose conditioner.
my hair is pickypickypicky. if cheap drugstore shit worked on it, i'd use it...but even my hair is bourgie. most cheap stuff leaves it dry or greasy/sticky...no bueno. i've tried making my own stuff but it's hit and [extreme] miss, so i just buy other folks' stuff.

pictorial recap? i'm glad you asked that too.

long hair in 06/07. i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss it...it'll be back soon enough.

thin w/scraggly ends in 08

[may] 5 months of transitioning, one night i just got irritated at the two textures and went to town in the bathroom. this is the day after i bc'd...kinda. note the permed ends still there

[june] ends still there. no idea why i was clinging on to hair i had to cut anyway.

[august] ends gone. have yet to learn the art of twisting/stretching my hair

[september] still haven't mastered twisting. my aforementioned texture differences are kinda noticeable here]

[november] started wearing twists out of the house. ignore my facial expression, i dont know any better

[mid-november] this is my version of a bad hair day now. it's disobedient, i put on a headband and ignore it

[december] twist-out mastered!

gratuitous. i took this last sunday cuz i thought i looked cute.

my hair stretched reaches my shoulders in a layered fashion.
i don't know if that's shorter or faster growth than normal.
so far i think this thing on my head is awesome. i have a lot more styling options and it grows so much faster. i've even inspired one of my best friends to consider it. [i doubt she'll actually go through, but it's a start] i love whenever i see a kinky comrade we always end up talking about hair and exchanging compliments and tips.

it's christmas eve and i'm out of juice...i've been tweaking this post for like a week. most people probably won't read this until i post again anyway since everybody's doing december things.

blahblahblah.
natural hair ftw.

been on repeat all day...

vanity.

self-portraiture on a bored sleepless tuesday morning.
my face in all it's un-made up glory.










gratuitous hair blog coming up soon?
most likely.

dear blu.

dear blu.
aka johnson barnes
can i call you john?
i love that your last name is barnes so that when i marry you in my dreams i don't actually have to change my last name.
frankly.
i love you.
you made me care about hip hop again.
(and you're cute and super-tall and witty but that's neither here, there, nor anywhere)
i even own a shirt with your face on it.
i don't do that often.
you release pure and utter gold

and then you fade to black.
doing a feature here and there is unacceptable
please stop playing with my emotions.

it was so nice of you to perform in raleigh on my 20th birthday this year.
please release another album by my 21st.
that would be grand.

thanks in advance.

lyrics to go V

Herfra hvor vi står,
kan vi se os omkring - til alle sider
Det bevæger sig når vi går
det forandrer sig i alle tider.

Vi har talt sammen næsten hele natten
og her der er vi så gået i stå.
Rundt om ligger folk og sover
jeg ved ikke rigtigt, hvorhen vi skal gå.

i've had this song on repeat for the past 2 days because for some odd reason it calms me...
then i googled the lyrics translation

From where we stand,
we see around us - on all sides
It moves when we go
it is changing at all times.

We talked almost all night
and here are we so stalled.
Around people are asleep
I do not really know where we should go.

...interesting

swimming

if you've read my blog before and you don't rock with little dragon by now, FAIL.

disjointed rant

*feel free to ignore this*

i haven't blogged in a while because i've simply lacked motivation to talk about anything...anything that does interest me has been overblogged and done to the point that anything i would write would just be unnecessary assholish fluff

i have no motivation...i average about 4 hrs of sleep a night doing absolutely nothing...
i envy those who know what they want to do after graduation since they have a goal to work towards...i honestly have absolutely no clue...so it's just like wtf am i doing this for? but then again most of those things that people know they are doing are things i have no interest in (law school, med school, teach for awhile)
they (who the fuck are they?) say that college is the best years of your life before you have real responsibilities...if these are the best years, i am fucked.


everything and everyone bores me.
everybody with their preening, and posing, and look-at-me-ness...it's sensory overload. and i'm a hypocrite! what am i doing now? talking about me me me.

i need minimalism...maybe i'll pull a janelle monae and only wear black and white and let my mind be the color

blah i'm just sick of everything
sick of school...i have b's in all my classes, this does not make me happy or sad...i don't care.
sick of work
sick of my face
but not sick of my hair...though i am sick of talking about it
sick of being ignored
sick of being seen
sick of halfass awards shows
sick of name brand clothes
sick of r&b bitches over bullshit tracks

i'm not even making sense anymore...
maybe i just need sleep.

doodles...

i get bored in class. i doodle.
i get bored at home. i take pictures of it.
i get more bored. i post them on blogger.
boom.










say crack one more time - © mean girls
just seeing the word crack in big letters in my notebook makes me giggle a bit.

lyrics to go IV

when i saw you last night
i wanted to say
run away with me
away from these cynics
this could be the start of
something truly real
but all that i could say
was hey
was hey
was hey
was hey

my mercury's in retrogade.

my retarded hair.

*procrastinationatory babble*

i know i'm not the only kinky headed gal who has this problem, but it's almost comical how different my hair textures are. i literally can't rock a wash&go because i tend to look ridiculous.

here are pics i took the other day freshly washed and squeeze dried with a tshirt with no added hair products.
my hair is pretty much the same length all over but my sides shrink a lot more than what i like to call the mohawk area (the loose texture goes straight back like a mohawk)




you can literally see the point where my hair changes its mind on what it wants to be lol.

my front middle flops onto my forehead and i have to push it back up so that it won't look weird compared to the sides *ignore my makeupless acne'd untamed eyebrowed face, however note the displeasure*




my mohawk area, for the most part, acts right regardless of what i do to it and is obviously a lot looser. my kinky sides...they do not care whatsoever what i desire or what i think about them. i guess i can respect that. they laugh hysterically at any moisturizer i put on them, swallow it in one gulp and look at me expectantly for more. the back of the sides have almost no definition when dry while the back of the middle is springy curls...it looks crazy.



top 'o my head



back 'o my head.



after these were taken i promptly twisted my hair since twists make my hair pretend like it's one cohesive texture.

does anyone else have this problem? what do you do? i hate looking like i got a texturizer just in the middle of my head...i'm considering putting one on my sides, but i feel that it could go horribly awry...

▲❍▼❏

blahh...i've been bogged down with schoolwork and life bs.

here are some pictures sans photoshop. my hard drive was wiped so i'm photoshopless and am stuck using only picasa.

love is real vols 1-4 are...well...love.

ughh still?

i was talking to one of my old friends from high school, somehow the conversation turned to hair and i casually mentioned that she would look cute with a fro.

"i'm too dark for that"


ughhhhhhhhhh.


mind you my friend is gorgeous. perfect figure, perfect clear skin, perfect white teeth which subsequently leads to a perfect smile and she has great fashion sense. yet somehow she still has jacked up color and hair issues which i have long given up on fixing

when we were in high school and i had long hair, she would always offhandedly remark on how since i'm lightskinned [that's subjective, i don't think i am] and had long hair that life was easier for me and i shouldn't complain about anything ever. and she also told me that i could do that "natural shit" because i'm light and cute and have "good" hair [i don't, lol] mind you, this girl shits on me, in my opinion, in all areas of physical attractiveness, but she never believes me when i tell her this.

but then again i don't live her life, so i can't speak for what she goes through

when i gave my subsequent silly not serious/but serious response and then asked 'how are you too dark for the hair that grows out of your head'
she replied, life isn't fair/doesn't make sense, but it is what it is.


i refuse to believe that.

i feel like the majority of people that have a problem with natural hair are other black people. white people fucking love my hair. i'm sure that is partly due to it being "different". but the most compliments and encouragement i ever got to go natural and after i did so (other than from other naturals) was from non-black people. just the other day an indian girl (the people that be-weaved dreams are literally made of) stopped me to tell me how pretty my hair was.

once again, how can one be too anything for something that naturally occurs on their bodies. that's like saying i'm too short for this nose. it makes no sense.
now if she just said that she preferred to have straightened hair i wouldn't have cared since i'm not a "natural nazi" (i hate the casual use of the word nazi) and i think you should do whatever with your hair that makes you happy. but assuming that you would be ugly with it because of your skin? i guess that goes back to the posts on the hair blogs about how some think only "pretty" girls can be natural. i think my friend is gorgeous, but maybe she doesn't think so...


blah. maybe i'm reading too much into it. maybe it's the same as not wanting to be without bangs because you have a big ass forehead. i don't think it is though...

lyrics to go III

now i know it seems so hard to understand me
but get used to it...

living easy takes a lot of time
maybe more, we'll see
cards are dealt
what you're left with
might not be for me
what's given is what's asked for
i'm in need of...i'm in need of...in need of

if i were stinking rich, i'd pay muhsinah to sing me to sleep 3x a week. real talk.

keep me near the cross.

*if you're following me on twitter you might have an idea of where this is coming from*

insert shameless plug --> twitter.com/PBelonious

now i'm not the praying type. or even religious, but i'm going to need some heavenly assistance if my days are going to continue like this.

i started working in a nursing home today for a class that i'm taking. i don't really care to work with the elderly because they just remind me of how i will be wrinkly and funny looking in about 50 years and i really don't like to think about such things. but the class sounded interesting and i'd at least get some volunteer hours that would look good on a social work grad school application.

this is a pretty upscale retirement facility and about 95% of the residents there are white. slightly more than half of the staff that work there are not white. i know they are from another time but shit but well...

today i attended the singalong with about 20 residents. at first it was benign shit like, "i bet you're quite the singer"

*side eye*

but then once they get into the songbook, not one but two songs included the word darkie.

-_-



...



-_-


really.

that was fun. me being the only such darkie in the room. in 2000 fucking 9.

i was there with another volunteer who was hispanic. some old lady kept coughing up a storm. i initially offered her a glass of water and she declined. still coughing the hispanic girl offered her some which she declined as well. she then promptly got up to get her own. o rly?
when she got up to leave somebody took her seat and songbook so when she came back the only place left to sit was beside me. i offered to share my songbook which of course she declined. but was quick to take one from my supervisor.

sigh.

sidenote: that's being black in america for that ass. having to just swallow random insults like that and still smile so you don't scare old white ladies.

once again, a good portion of the employees are not white. how the hell does she get by?

an employee who looked about old enough to be living there randomly came up to me and was asking me general background questions and started to tell me how she came into the field of working with the elderly. and she said that yes it's depressing working with the elderly because they're going to die, but it's all worth it if they can be happy in their last years on earth.


what. ever.

i can do bad sitting in my house with my money in my wallet.

i have ranted about tyler perry many a time before.

i don't think this dude even TRIES.
his movies are exactly the same and big name black actors sign up because they know it's a guaranteed check.


i haven't seen his new movie and don't plan on it. but i bet i know what it entails...

troubled black woman needs help finding her way in life.
madea shows up at random ass times for comic relief.
black woman goes through some sort of adversity with an unsavory character.
she finds her good black man [usually blue collar, the rich black men are always the bad guys, unless they are played by tyler perry himself]who shows her how to love and not be an asshole.
they go to church at some point.
somebody is on drugs and/or was molested as a child.
they dance in a club/cookout/in the middle of the street.
and all the men happen to be fine.

let's google and see if i'm right.


my bad. i was wrong.
tyler perry has evolved as a director.

black woman finds her good hispanic man. not black.
i apologize.







sidenote: if tyler perry can't do anything in this world, he can cast some fine ass men. i need to put csi: miami on my watch list... adam rodriguez plays a mexican in this movie and he is clearly puerto rican. but you know all those hispanohablantes are mexican anyway...


anywho...seeing that tyler perry has this inexplicable drawing power and influence in hollywood, why not use it? take a risk and make some art. he'd at least get some butts in the seat opening weekend before the church crowd realizes it's not all about jesus. or at the very least let others use his production studio to make shit that isn't completely predictable and scripted. well, apparently he's bought the rights to 'for colored girls who have considered suicide/when the rainbow is enuf' now i haven't seen the play and i've only glanced at the written choreopoem, but from what i gather, it's a pretty heavy serious piece about black women. i really don't see him doing this justice without it being contrived and...well...bad. but what do i know?

however i see that mary j. blige and gladys knight are singing in this 'i can do bad all by myself'. so if those ladies are your cup of tea, i guess you could accept someone else buying your ticket to see this movie.

i just want him to do better and not do the same movie every 6 months.

however, what i really would like to do is shoot him in the calf for 'meet the browns' the tv show. but i digress...

he's just not that into you

so i was having a discussion with a friend about how i'm bored and according to her, if i was so bored, i should just ask a guy out.

call me old fashioned, but i seriously believe if a guy really likes a girl he's going to go after her, no matter how shy or timid he may be. and i think a guy going after the girl usually means he's into her more. at the beginning of the relationship, the dude should be more into the girl and it evens out as it progresses. if a girl pursues a guy and he's just kinda feeling her but not really, that usually leads to foolishness like laziness, cheating, and keyed cars.

i also believe that the guy should do the majority of the approaching. that's not to say that i think girls should just sit and wait to get picked. anything from hovering in his vicinity and smiling to starting small talk or just happening to show up wherever he is [sike, that's stalker shit] can let a dude know that 'hey i'm noticing you, and wouldn't mind if you noticed me too!' if he doesn't pick up on it, he's probably a stupid, and nobody wants a stupid.

people say i'm intimidating but i think that's a bunch of horseshit. i'm not intimidatingly gorgeous and i'm not going to emasculate a dude if he hits on me and i don't want him. if a dude respectfully drops hints or outright comes out and says something [rare] and i'm not interested i'll subtly send signals saying so [keeping conversations short but still polite]. but if you come with some foolishness i will try my best to hurt your feelings. i told a guy to kill himself once...i don't feel bad...he was an asshole.


i don't think i could ever get to the point where i would ask a guy out in addition to the aforementioned reason, i'm just fucking awkward. i feel most girls don't really have "game" we just kind of show a little boob and smile and usually that's all we have to do.


eh...i'll just adopt a dog.
i want a cockeyed black pug. i like ugly dogs.


i could never be a writer...i just start typing about guys and end up googling black pugs...

lyrics to go II

my rhyme ain't good just yet,
my brain and tongue just met,
and they ain't friends, so far,
my words don’t travel far,
they tangle in my hair,
and tend to go nowhere,
they grow right back inside,
right past my brain and eyes
into my stomach juice
where they don’t serve much use,
unhealthy calories,
nutrition values.
and i absorb back in
the words right through my skin
they sit there festering inside my bowels

the consonants and vowels
the consequence of sounds

if i had to go gay for a white woman...it'd be regina spektor.

the magic stick/bored with my hair.

so i've posted about how my skin pisses me off and have finally found something that is starting to work for me. other than washing my face with whatever is lying around [i refuse to buy any new face wash before i use up what i already have] i've been using this thing[it's $8 @ whole foods and $5 @ trader joe's. whole foods is such a fucking rip off.]

i apply this stuff morning/night and whenever i'm sitting around absentmindedly during the day. my blemishes go down really quickly and my existing marks are starting to fade. plus it's all-natural and all that hippie shit.

i've kind of been ignoring my hair. well, actually i guess you could say that i've been wearing it in a "protective style". i like my hair texture but i feel like it's too short for me to really do anything with so i wash it once a week, twist it with oyinhandmade whipped pudding, pin it up, and wear hats all week [with a scarf underneath and still moisturizing every night] and wear a twist out on weekends. i figured i'm not seeing anyone since school isn't in session and i'm just going to work, it doesn't really matter what my head looks like lol.
i'm sure when school starts i'm going to have to keep it up nicely and actually do something to it until i get braids next month. grrrr.

ennui.

it seems the more free time i have the less i do. hopefully that means i'll be supremely productive when school starts

random pictures i just took out of boredom:

see how that spot is still there? yeah still haven't gotten that fixed...

i'm actually vaguely busy with taking care of things for my apt and freaking out about how broke i will be because i have to pay for this shit. i don't want to be a senior and graduate and shit. i want to fuck around for at least 3 more years. i'll probably join the circus if my plan a of finding a sugar daddy fails...

i'm kidding.

i'll just be a hobo.